I received an email from my friend "G" today. She finally made the move. She has escaped a world of hurt and moved on to a different life in New York City. I knew she would do it - it was just a matter of time. I've very happy for her. She just went through a nasty, unexpected divorce - to ugly to detail. Good luck, my friend. I will miss you, as I always do, and yes, I will look you up when I get to NY...someday, when I can get there.
I'm fighting today. Fighting a lot of things. Its a bit of a quiet riot, but its still burning. I'm fighting mostly the feeling of running and going no where. I'm fighting not understanding my purpose. I am about to start that book but I'm dreading it. I feel as though I know what its going to say. And I feel that I've already struggled through what it will say. I think I've already been there. I don't want to write the story before I read it, so I will read it, I guess. I know - it sounds like someone has my feet to the fire to read it. No one does, but myself. I'm going to give it a chance. I hope I don't roll my eyes with every chapter.
Very lonely these days. This little town is swallowing me up a little bit. Its nice at times, but there are things about that it lacks. There are no sidewalks. I think that is a symbol of the town. There is no place to run or exercise. Plus, when can I? I can't, unless its at 5 am when my husband is home with my son. But then, its still dark out,so what's the difference between running at 5am, and 7pm when he gets home from work? Nothing. I get the same old comment "Its dark -someone will hit you, or kidnap you." I understand the fear, but ..... you know. We have an elliptical machine, but damn it if I'll use it. Its enclosed in 4 walls - the point is to get OUT.
I walked into a store today to look around. There was a lady behind the counter who goes to my church. Also behind the counter were 3 highschool girls, talking madly about "E", the girl that babysits for me. It was apparent that they were incredibly jealous of her, and hated her. She is very beautiful, yes, and a cheerleader, and has a great family and boy friend - but man, to hear them cackle with their nasal voices with their noses crinkled up made me remember my own high school days, and how I am so grateful to not be in those days again. When we left, we hit up another store just down the road. Same thing happened - only they were discussing some other girl-of-envy.
I've never had time for that. I still don't have time for that. The women that I've met here - that's all they do - cackle and snidely remark about each other's looks, possessions and accomplishments. I'm limited on my company here. In my previous place of living, I could just ease out of those destructive relationships as easy as I slipped in - and now, I'm stuck. Its only going to get worse as my son gets into school.
I will survive here. I know it. WE will survive here. And if the Lord has us moving - so be it. Staying - so be it, too. Whichever....we'll make it. I just hope I can adjust to these things, or learn to deal - maybe thats the same thing.
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Sixteen Inches
- Head vs Heart
- There are approximately 16 inches between my head and my heart. This distance equals miles of difference between the two. Thus, my struggle....
3 comments:
Hello! My name is Emily and I stumbled across your blog and just wanted to write to tell you that you're a great writer! I've been writing for years and to come across someone who is so real and honest with their writing is really great! Hang in there because life can only get better! Good luck in your journeys and God Bless!
I hate to spoil part of your Christmas present, but I picked up that book for you that I mentioned last week. I love a great book, but I've not read many books in my life that had quite the same impact on me as this one did. It's called "Same Kind of Different As Me", written by Ron Hall and Denver Moore with Lynn Vincent. It's a true story about two men and each one's stories are told through their own words, recalling their own paths and how they came to befriend one another and change a whole community. It is an amazing story and probably the most inspirational book I have ever read. I feel really challenged to find this kind of purpose in my life. The trick though is to not get caught up in the big picture. Rather the long, tedious and extraordinary road that led them there. It's easy to read someone else's story and skip the details because we didn't live it. We just see the final product. This book is definitely a journey and one that I am grateful I read. You will laugh and you will cry, but it was worth every minute of sleep I missed! I can't wait for you to read it!
I know it's easy to focus on the "shop girls" and their narrow minded words, but it's in every town. You just had options when you were here. You have such a huge heart and I'm sure as you get to know more people there, you will change their hearts. It may be one by one, but your heart always shines through. I admire you so much because your actions are so thoughtful, selfless and without agenda. Some people are often intimidated by that. You just stay true to yourself and soon others in that town may not have literal sidewalks, but it may have sidewalks...if you know what I mean.
I was reading one of my little devotional books this morning and it made me think about this juggling act we all do and how we are always struggling to keep all the balls in the air. (insert own joke - hahahaha) ok...seriously... It stated, "True dependence is not simply asking God to bless what you have decided to do. It is coming to Him with an open mind and heart, inviting Him to plant His desires within you." There lies in me such a strong desire to feel in control of my life, as I'm sure lies in most people. I want to trust wholeheartedly, but sometimes I just feel stuck. It goes on to say that He wants us to trust Him will all our heart AND all our mind. Instead of relying on our own understanding to help us feel in control, ask God to control our mind, too. Huh...I never thought of asking to take something off my mind, too. I pray so often about my heart, i forget that my mind is also a factor in all this. It's so obvious though because some days it feels as if my heart is at one end of a train on a track and my mind is at the other end and they are pulling in opposite directions. For instance, lately I have really felt a tug on my heart to get involved in my community in some other capacity. My heart is for underprivileged children, but my mind goes into protection mode, which is SO incredibly selfish! It's almost as if I'm scared to go there because I know at the end of the day it is a HUGE commitment and I'm scared of failing someone that life and sometimes loved ones fail on a daily basis. I know - so selfish and such a coward. I am looking into it though through a program at our church. We have a school that we sponsor that's more of an inner city type school that's predominantly black children. I'm also scared that I will want to adopt 150 little children and bring them home to take care of. There's a song that says "God uses the weak to lead the strong." Who's the weak one here? Denver Moore stated in his book, "Same Kind Of Different As Me", "Our limitation is God's opportunity". But maybe he's not referring to my limitation in this instance, but someone else's. Maybe someone else's limitation is my opportunity to help them. We're not on this earth to collect stuff. We're here to let God live through us. To help each other through His guidance. It's not about us, even though we all wake up every day and wonder what's in store for us. How do I make more money? What do I have to get done at work today? What am I going to do to make this a good day? We constantly look for things that will make us happy, to complete us. Why do we do this when all we need to do do is look up?
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