Discouraged

I'm sorry that I've been so distant this last month. I honestly haven't had the time or energy to write. But I've also been afraid to write. I'm not exactly sure as to why. Just some insecurities creeping up on me. I've typed a few entries and then given up on them shortly before posting.

These days are interesting. I'm finding myself in a twist of emotion that I feel very guilty about.

I have dreams and things to do to pursue those dreams, but my time is consumed with other activities. I find myself spending most of my time cleaning up after my toddler, washing and folding clothes, unloading and reloading dishwashers, cooking meals, putting 5-piece sippy cups together (yes we finally are on sippy cups, and I don't know why they are so complicated either - don't the manufacturers know that moms have a million other things to do besides reassemble sippy cups?), paying bills, call utility and insurance and credit card companies because their invoices are incorrect, grocery and supply shopping, vacuuming, bathing dogs, mopping the floors, picking up things out of place, etc. Even when my child is napping, I'm doing things for my husband, such as calling the realtors, or checking grammar on his emails and reports.

All of these things I don't mind doing. They keep our lives going. But my melancholy heart wants to have time to pursue my business.

And then on the side, my husband has 3 different ideas for other businesses. When I ask "who will run these businesses?" His reply is always "Well.....you." I quickly have to put him in his place to tell him that my heart is not in those passions of business. But he then replies with "But its a no-brainer!!!! Do you know how much money we'll make?" I don't care, honey. I've spent my whole life post poning the things that I want to do for the sake of what other people want to do. Please, for the love of God, I just want to do what I want to do.

We found out a few weeks ago that our landlord is selling this house that we are living in to her sister and that we must be out by June. House hunting has kicked into high gear for us now, but unfortunately, even in this slumped over housing market, we can't find anything that is going to fit our needs. I'm hoping that one day soon, the Lord will provide us with something that is so blatantly obvious to be our home that we can't deny. This little town doesn't hold much hope.

In my days, I don't have much time to read any more. I'm not being challenged. I'm struggling with loneliness at home. I feel forgotten. This world is passing me by and I'm just waving at the train as it leaves the station....