I know and acknowledge that I'm driven by anger, and injustice.
I just wrote 4 full paragraphs of why this is on my mind today, and what inspired me to write about it so fervently, and then I deleted it. It wasn't right to write it, and post it. It was more of a bitch session than something that could help someone else.
In a nutshell, my husband just made me mad. Really mad. Insulted me. And I'm mad as a raging bull.
When I am driven by anger, I notice how I morph into Stone Cold Steve Austin and, in a tornadic swirl, I develop this anti-world attitude, telling each issue to just kiss my ass - I am woman, and I'm stronger than what just leveled me, and NOBODY has a right to mess with my right to respect, and damn them if I become less-than-a-no-nonsense, soft hearted person again. I began tearing through my physical world around me - picking up toys, doing dishes, folding clothes, making my house spotless, organizing my office, replying to emails I've been putting off, answering the phone in a sterner tone - things of the such. I "clean up" my world, and beat myself up for being any less than perfect, and subconsciously tangle with potential that I deserved to be talked down to, or insulted. This lasts for a few hours, until every muscle in my body loosens up, or I can get my aggression out by exercise (the latter is the best....helps the aggression go away faster).
Does this make sense? Does anyone else do this, or something similar to this? I've always been this way. Always.
I believe they call this the "fight or flight" philosophy.
I don't know what to do about this. My anger gets the best of me. I've never heard myself yell at him like I just did a second ago. Without going into detail, it has been a long time coming. We argue about the same issue about once a week, but my voice keeps getting louder, until today I erupted. For some reason he doesn't hear me. Maybe he did today. We've been "off" lately on communication, so that doesn't help the situation. Just fuels it worse.
I'm going to go clean up my office until I figure out how to handle this a different way......
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I must admit...I am a raging bull when I get angry as well. I think it's a hormone inside me that JUST isn't balanced out. Perhaps it's a genetic issue...I don't know, but when I get upset, I GET UPSET! It's something that I've been working on since I said 'I Do' to my husband nearly eight years ago! I think God is the only one who can change that though...ya know? It's like something innate in us that unfortunately, we can't control the fact that we were born that way, but I do believe we can control it. Now I just have to walk away, get control, and then return to the issue in a calming way. Although, I must admit, I've feuded many a time WITHOUT walking away. It takes time, but sometimes, you just HAVE to get it out...even if it means an eruption from time-to-time. Hang in there...I will say a prayer for you about that because believe me, I know EXACTLY what you are saying and how you feel...God Bless my friend...~Emily
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