Day 3: Forty Days in the Trenches Taking Grenades

The things that drive a life, a purpose....

Lately, I've struggled with finding what drives me. I'm getting closer, I think, to understanding. Maybe I'm already there. For the last year, almost, the temperature gauge on asking the question of my purpose went from lukewarm to red hot. Becoming a new mom last year, it was obvious that was one of my "new" purposes, next to being a wife, and a manager of our business. Once the business thing started to head south, I became questionable of my whole entire purpose altogether - which leads me to believe I held a lot of stock in my career.

I don't miss the business that we were in. I miss many aspects of it - but the things I miss are things that drive a human ego - such as the relationships with celebrities, going to posh parties, "moving up" the music business ladder (of which women didn't really move up, unless you were almost "too old" and bitter, and well, frankly, "bitchy," but I was determined NOT to be one of those women.). I don't need those things - and frankly, once I had those things, or experienced a little bit, I wanted more. But honestly, I'll say that those things were a lot more fun when I was single too - I'm not single anymore, and I don't really "care" about those things. In my soul, I never really "cared" for them, and I'm glad I'm not around it anymore to create a "care" for it. Its only my ego that misses them. Moving forward...

So our business closed up, and my husband took another job in another state, but only 4 hours from our previous place of residence. So we moved. My son was 7 months old. Husband started his new job, and I was left at the house with my son, and a bunch of boxes to unpack. Once all was unpacked ..... then what? I found myself as a mom - which i was before, of course, but now REALLY a mom (with no day time assistance with the little man), and worst of all - no "job." I was no longer economically making my way in the world and climbing a competitive ladder, and most likely, I would never make an impact in the business world. "Me? Jobless? While my husband has something that gives HIM personal gratification and sense of accomplishment? I need that feeling too, that I'm 'doing' something!" I melted down.

Post partum, I thought. And I think I was right. I sought help, and a mild med to make me functional throughout the day - which I had become nearly disfunctional and unfunctional with my available time to do "something."

All the while I was thinking all of this, I still had it in my heart that "C'mon. You've been in WORSE situations before. More hopeless situations. Darker holes. The Lord has NEVER let you down, and has always proven He has a bigger purpose for you than what you were experiencing at the time, AND what you could EVER dream. Don't sell out to these feelings." The tug was unbelievable, but I just couldn't get right.

I obviously had my sights driven in the wrong areas. I still get pings and stabs of "well.....what are YOUUUU doing? Don't you want to do SOMETHING else other than sit around this house? What will be YOUR contribution to family and life once he goes to school?"

I have dreams. I have things I would like to do. I'm not competitive in a great sense. I am creative though. I've been asking myself "What are my gifts and talents?"

I've had some very rough spots, but I'm finally ok with my current situation with my son. I am his mom, and the more he grows, and the faster he learns, the more I see my role in his development. Before, I felt meaningless in a way. He's almost 14 months and he's a sponge - he's picking up a new word or two every day. Disciplinary action is needed more these days, and he's showing more dependence upon me than ever. His eating habits are changing, and his play intensity is growing. He's never not interactive. We play games, we go for walks, we go to the store (and learn items and colors, and talk to people), we sing, we count, we tickle, we snuggle, we exercise.... he needs me, and I see it.

Anyway - my gifts and talents .... Its hard sometimes to pin down your own, so I asked my husband. These were his answers off the top of his head:

Talents: writing
work ethic
naturally musical
artistic minded
running


Gifts: kindness
love
giving
sincere / unsuperficial

I don't know if he'll mention any others later, but these are what I begin to pray over. I have fear of my talents. I've never believed anyone's opinion of my talents if remarks were positive. I've never wanted to be the fool, believing I had a "talent" that was praised in front of a false smile. When I ask for real honesty regarding some of my talents, I don't get straight answers. Therefore, I fear to step out in boldness to put my talents to good use. For example, I sing. I have since I was a little girl. But I can't get a straight answer out of someone telling me if I'm any good or not. I know that sounds funny.... My feelings wouldn't be hurt because all I care about is "knowing."

My prayer is that I will finally understand my true list of gifts and talents, and that I will recognize what actually drives me - if its good or bad. If its negative, I need to make it right.