Reading, Dancing and the Longing for Independence

I spent the morning reading, after my son finally went down for a nap. I'm reading "The Secret Life of Bees" by Sue Monk Kidd. This book is simply incredible - the writing style of Ms Kidd is amazing. I can imagine each line as though I am the 14 year old girl named Lily in South Carolinawho longs for her mother, hates her father, has run away from home with her house keeper in 1964, and finds refuge with 3 sisters who make their living as beekeepers during the civil rights era.

Christmas is almost upon me. I'm not spending it with my family, but with my husband's. I'm fine with that, as I love my in laws dearly. They are just like my own blood family, and I see them more than my own. THey have accepted me in as one of their own, and for that I am grateful.

Sometimes I wish that I could just hop a plane to NYC - by myself - and just wander the streets in my long pea coat, a stocking cap, and gloves, with a warm cup of coffee warming my hands as I wrap my interlaced fingers around the base of the cup. (Not that I don't want the company of my son and husband - as I would rather go nowhere with him, than anywhere alone ... he's the best - but sometimes being alone for a few moments helps you grow when you're together.) I would watch people, look in windows, stop in a random bar for a drink at night, talk to strangers, make a new friend, hail a cab, walk through a gallery, find a corner bar with music, watch children as they beam at a Santa Claus or skip into a toy store. I just want to have some alone time, away from what's norm, and regroup. I feel like I haven't had anything "new" in a while, if that makes sense. (That sounds so crazy actually as we just moved 6 months ago, but being enclosed in the same 4 walls for more than a few days can really pull at your skin.) I also long to feel a sense of independence again - to know that I can do things without someone holding my hand. Being married is great - and I get mad at myself a lot when I say the word "I" more than I say "we." My marriage is great, my husband is an angel of God, and I'm not for one second ungrateful. Before I was married, I did everything on my own - even lived by myself (until I got my dog). I love being married, and I love my child - I just need to be reminded that I still have the strength to do things alone. I need some independence every now and again. I rely on my husband more than I want to to handle certain things that I was forced to do alone at one time. I need that strength back.

I don't think that last paragraph quite came out right. I know what I'm trying to say - I just can't put it into words.

I'm about to start a book that I have avoided at all costs. "A Purpose Driven Life" has been one of those books that I have counted as "cheesy Christian." My faith as a Christian is a strong one - but I vomit at the thought of cheesy "self help" Christian books that defeat the purpose of trusting God. But I've caved in to read this book after a dear friend sent it to me and said that this book really helped her. I think I'll give it a shot. Its a 30 day study - each chapter designated to a day of study. I will write about it here, and probably call it "Forty Days in the Trenches Taking Grenades." Ha! That's just about how I've been feeling lately, and every time I go to battle with God over things, I always come out a new person, as anyone does. Lately, I haven't felt like change has been on the list of things to happen, but then again - I am not God. So here goes - I start in a few days.

Flamenco dancing has been on my mind lately. I want to learn so badly. I think I would be good at it. I've started researching it, and I've found an instructor 45 minutes away.

I know these thoughts are random. It will always be like this. :) That's the way my brain works.

Time to go feed the Elmo-slippered little boy I just put in a high chair that has an animal cracker mustache. He's so damn cute....