I don't claim to know how to "write." I just write. Millions of people write. Twice as many don't, I suppose. I just write as I think. Sometimes my thoughts are linear - sometimes circular - sometimes with no direction at all.
I've been observing people with children a lot lately, especially now that I'm a new mom of one year. My observation has been interesting. No one really gives the secret away that you lose a lot of yourself when you have a child, or children. That's not necessarily a "bad" thing - just a harsh realization, and a sudden death, and before you know it, you're in mourning. I believe this happens more for women, than it does for men. You find yourself suddenly on a road your didn't think you were taking, even when you did know and decide to have children. You once had a different outlook, and didn't realize the hills and sharp curves and blind corners, and confusing intersections you would come across.
I am not regretful in my decision to have children. But I'm coping with much loss. I'm mourning who I used to be, and what I was supposed to be in my own mind, as well as what I don't live up to everyday. I know in my heart, I have bigger better things - and I shouldn't doubt the plan that the Lord has - but I'm just in mourning right now.
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Sixteen Inches
- Head vs Heart
- There are approximately 16 inches between my head and my heart. This distance equals miles of difference between the two. Thus, my struggle....
4 comments:
this is very common!it is known as the post-partum syndrome. Google it out and u will realise that u aren't alone.
P.S. i am no mommie i jus know it!
I remember feeling that way. My boys are now 7 and 5. I loved being a stay-at-home mom but I felt like I was missing out on something. I stuck with it, and soon enough completely embrassed the most important job of all -- motherhood. We are blessed to have that opportunity. Today I kick myself for the hours I wasted trying to shed myself from motherhood instead of indulging in every minute of looking at a new soul that is forever changing every minute. Those days are gone, but I have a million snapshots of my babes to remind me. I'm still a stay-at-home mom and don't dream of becoming anything else. I'm very happy
You are absolutely right Maritsa. Its the crazy "pull" of knwing that being a mom is the ultimate calling, and at the same time, you feel like you are called to something else, in addition. I will take to heart tremendously what you said. Thank you for your insight.
It's so easy to feel as if we've lost part of our identity or purpose in life when the road takes an unexpected turn or even one we've chosen. However, we have to be careful not to let what we do or a title such as "Mom" define us. Girl, you know I "don't know nothing 'bout birthin' no babies", but I do know that I have let something as minor as my job define me and who I am in my mind. People we don't know who are just passing by might do so because it's easy. In reality though, I know that people who know my heart don't define me by what I do. You are an amazing mom, but that's IN ADDITION to everything else you do! Your a savvy business woman, you have an ear for music, I've never seen anyone that loves and supports her husband like you do, your friendship is irreplaceable, and you've traveled the world and have so much to offer. I know you aren't looking for someone to blow smoke, but it's easy to lose sight of who we are when one aspect of who we are is all consuming. You are right where God needs and wants you to be right now. Don't get me wrong though. It's o.k. to mourn who you were. That's part of the process of getting to your next "place in this world". This may be a little extreme, but it's like mourning the death of a loved one. You can't move past it unless you face it and deal with it. I believe that it helps you put things in your life into perspective. God sometimes needs us to feel that raw emotion for reasons we may never know. I'll never understand why he called "C" home but that was definitely a defining moment in my life that completely redefined how I look at things now. Sometimes it's as simple as Him getting our attention and focus back on Him and sometimes it's so He can use us to help someone else through the same situation later on down the road. Who knows. Well, He does, but for us Type A people, it's hard to let go and just trust.
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