I'm up late tonight laying in bed, and I just remembered a dream that I had last night.
The dream was concerning a house that I used to live next door to in my old hometown that is 10 hours away from where I live now. This house was an old stucco styled, two-story home. When we moved in next door into the house that we built, there was a lady named Mary who passed away about 5 years later, and I was 10 or so. Several families have come and gone, different owners have occupied the home, but its always seemed to be "old." In fact, my mom and dad lived there when my brother was born, before they moved to town about a year before I was born.
Anyway, in this dream, it was snowing, heavily. I was going out to my mailbox to put Christmas gifts inside. I had a whole sled full of packages and the snow was blowing so hard. I made it to the end of my driveway with the packages, and I noticed a young woman walking over to me from the stucco home. It was probably around 7 o'clock in the evening and the moon was out and full (odd, because it was in the middle of a snow storm). She came over and invited me to come to the house to meet her mother and sister, of whom she lived with, and also to see how it looked inside, as the previous owner had done some spectacular renovations. I agreed and followed her over.
We walked inside and the home was a mansion, unlike what I've ever known the home to be - which was small, old, nearly dangerous to be inside with old paint and gas heating. There were rooms I had never known to exist inside, as well as a completely redone kitchen. There were now 3 stories, instead of two. It literally resembled that of a Aspen Colorado cabin of grandeur.
I met the young ladies mother and sister. They lived there together. I don't remember their names, but I do remember that they were beautiful. They didn't resemble each other at all, seemingly.
They took me on a tour of the home. More changes before my eyes. A grand atrium in the middle of the home that all the rooms surrounded. Everything was a deep rich pine wood from the floor, to the walls, to the support posts, to the ceiling. It was a decorative wood style as well - slats of wood placed strategically in perfectly symmetrical patterns and shapes. Past the 3rd floor was an attic that the women raved about. It was only half finished, but they didn't seem to mind - but they went on and on about the treasures that they were finding between the cracks of wood floor paneling in the attic - things that were from a different era of time, which gave them an adventuristic desire to learn about who had lived in the house in the past. They led me up to the attic, and I was surprised to see that this is where the renovations had abruptly stopped. It looked as though they started to refinish the attic area, but then were interrupted. Half way up the stairs, the wood slat-work stopped, and the drywall began, and the stairs were all of a sudden old again and creaky, old planks that felt as though they could give out at any moment. The attic smelled of old must, and I could see partially planked walk areas, lit only by the reflection of the light from below off the ceiling of the attic. The attic only went as far back as I would imagine the "normal size" of the house to be, not this "new" size that the house seemed to have grown into.
I ran my fingers through the cracks of the wooden planks where I traced gaps and holes with my tips. I found a few little pieces of paper that had my mother's aunt's name on them. This confused me, as my mom's aunt had never lived in this house before. Confused, I turned and asked the mother how much she bought the house for. She replied "Only $147,000. It was an absolute STEAL."
We climbed back down from the attic, and went all the way back to the kitchen on the main floor, and chatted around the huge marble island . We discussed the previous owner and what he looked like (tall, with a full head of dark hair and a dark mustache - a very pronounced looking man in his late 40's or early 50's).
Then my dream was over.
I'm not sure what this dream means.
The night before I had a dream about jumping in the "S" river that is just down the hill from my home 10 hours away from here. I don't remember WHY I jumped in - I think I was running from someone. I jumped into a canoe, but the dam didn't exist in my dream, and the water was flowing the opposite way than normal. I floated past a few other boats of fishermen, or people of "interesting" nature (meaning I didnt' quite catch what they were doing, who they were, or why they were there), and also people on shabby man made rafts put together out of tree trunks. I also passed some cows wading in the river as well. I remember thinking that it must be a season of drought because otherwise the cows would be swept away in an instant. Before I reached the 1st bridge, I knew that I needed to jump out of my canoe and swim ashore because after the second bridge, there would be no hope for me to be able to swim ashore as the current would increase dramatically, and there would be no shore to grab onto. Then the dream ended.
- - - - - - - - - -
Last night's dream - I'm too tired now to try to analize, but I'm up writing about it because (1) I didn't want to forget it, and (2) I've really been thinking about houses a lot lately. I know that sounds really funny. Not thinking about houses in the sense that I want to purchase one (although that topic will be coming up sooner than later in my life in the next few months), but more or less about the "life" with in a house - the physical structure of a house.
Have you ever noticed how a house has life only when life is within? If the life within moves out, the house is empty in more ways than just physically being empty. And also, it doesnt' really even matter if someone moves out - it can be if a person goes away for 6 months or any period of time, and there is someone to keep the grounds, the house seems to slump in dismay.
I've noticed this before over the course of time, but I really started to think about it over Christmas when I went running past a house that we were going to purchase in my husband's hometown a few months back before the Lord took us to a different town. The house hadn't been lived in for a few months yet it was dark and dismay and simply empty. No life whatsoever. Since we've moved to our current place, with in the last 6 months, a new family has purchased the home, and when I ran by, I noticed that not one physical thing had changed about the house, except for it had a glow about it. Even the roof line seemed to not slump any longer. There was life and light and joy exuding from the windows. It was the oddest thing. Could it be possible that homes have "souls" as well? Or are they just metaphors of our souls when we have life and light and joy within? Maybe both? I don't know...... Thoughts?
I suppose I should go to bed now and let these crazy thoughts subside. I'm sure I'll have more dreams to discuss soon.....
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Friday, December 28, 2007
Day 1: forty days in the trenches taking grenades....
The first thing I do when I begin a new book is remove the dust jacket. It simply gets in the way, and I will ruin it before I get to chapter 2, so off it goes.....
The Purpose Driven Life, by Rick Warren: my new adventure in reading. The Secret Life of Bees is still in my reading agenda, as I'm 100 pages out from finishing, but I need to start this new one. I'm still not sold on it, but I'm open minded.
The reason why I'm not in.... I already have a purpose-driven life. My heart is in the right place. I feel that I have a deeper calling to my purpose that I'm saddened to not understand, and I'm frustrated to not see. Such is life, though. I've never been able to see my "purpose" until later, but that's how I've always liked to live my life. I've never wanted to state a claim to future goals and ambitions. I've always wanted to live my life by going into each day with a new beginning, and then turning around at the end of a period of time, or a chapter in life, and observing the path I had just came down. That has been fulfillment to me; that has been what has excited me about life and kept me charged for the next chapter.
But anymore, I find it hard to do. Maybe its because I'm married now; maybe because I'm a mother. I tend to find myself hoping for more predicatability and structure, so as to not inconvenience my child or husband. I know that sounds wierd as they are in this journey with me, and we are on a journey together. As a single person, I wasn't too concerned with where I was going personally because I didn't have any "baggage" (not spoken negatively....only spoken in the terms that I wouldn't inconvenience those on the journey with me). I could go and go and go, and wherever I would end up, that's where I was - good or bad. Now, if bad, that's where I have my child and husband. Its a weird twist. Being new in marriage (almost 3 years) and wanting so badly for it to work forever, I haven't exactly grasped the concept of "togetherness" in its full capacity. I still feel alone, most of the time, on my journey and tend to take for granted that I have a partner in life. I know thats a dizzying intellect, but you'll find that my logic goes in circles sometimes. Just trying to type as I think.... I figure out my theories that way.
I've never felt like my life was my own. That's not negative - its simply truth. I've always believe that my purpose in life was for whatever the Lord has for me. I am His to use, period. Lately, I have struggled with that theory. I still believe it, but my mind and flesh keep tugging at my heart, telling me that my own personal "need" for self-accomplishment is the key to my happiness and fulfillment. Not so, says my heart, but my mind is taking over. This has been the source of my depression for quite a few months. Now that I have a baby, and my time is now diverted to his needs everyday, I have anxiety about the things that I SHOULD be doing instead - and I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'm doing what I SHOULD be doing NOW - not what anyone else, or even my mind says that I SHOULD be doing. I'm doing what the Lord has me doing - and that is preparing my son's life for greatness in the Lord. I'm his mother, and there's no other job more noble or fulfilling. Everyday I get a little closer to realization.
So on to the introduction to the first chapter. I'm very impressed with the verse used to introduce the chapter:
Jeremiah 17:7 -8: "Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, and whose trust is the Lord. For he is like a tree that is planted by the water, That extends its roots by a stream and will not fear when the heat comes; but its leaves will be green and it will not be anxious in a year of drought, nor cease to yield fruit."
THIS VERSE is going to go on an index card and taped to my bathroom mirror.
The very first page of the first chapter shares the same views as I have - my life is not my own, and I exist only because its God's will that I exist, and He is my creator.
Interesting .... Warren refers to "self help" books as leading to dead ends. Thank GOD my theory was thwarted there about THIS book. I was under the impression that this was one of THOSE books. He happens to hate those books too. (GOOD BYE to books like "The Secret." BAH!) The focus on "self" is actually the single downfall of man - Adam and Eve believed that they could be their own gods, and focused on saving themselves, and ate the apple. The serpent gave them them "self help" advice. "Eat the apple, and you will be like God." They successfully ate the apple, but then missed the point. They were miserable, and soon were humbled by their focus on self, and ashamed, and therefore began the spiraled downfall of mankind - the focus on "self-fulfillment" and such. Self centered does not constitute a God-centered life, unless YOU are God, and YOU (and I) are (am) not.
Warren mentions that there are 2 ways to discovering God's purpose for your life: SPECULATION and REVELATION.
Speculation is merely guessing. Obviously.
Revelation is asking God to reveal.
God doesn't always reveal in the ways that we feel he should, right? He doesn't just shout it to us, or whisper in our ear what our next move should be. This frustrates us in our day of instant communication. Patience and being still and listening is NOT a waste of our time. I have the hardest time with patience - but this is something I need to realize is part of my purpose. My every move should be based on what God wants me to do, and that I need to take the time to listen to his "voice" in whatever form it may be.
I think the thing that is hardest for us, as human beings, as creatures of GOd, to understand and grasp, is that our purpose is for a far bigger plan than we can ever understand, and than we will ever have the opportunity on this earth to see. We have a selfish desire to "want to know, and know now" what our purpose is, and how we fit the mix, that we often get discouraged, and resort to the self-fulfillment philosophies of life because they are the instant gratifications and immediate happiness, and fill us with pride for our accomplishments. Its time to get over that. And I'm going to work on this.
The Purpose Driven Life, by Rick Warren: my new adventure in reading. The Secret Life of Bees is still in my reading agenda, as I'm 100 pages out from finishing, but I need to start this new one. I'm still not sold on it, but I'm open minded.
The reason why I'm not in.... I already have a purpose-driven life. My heart is in the right place. I feel that I have a deeper calling to my purpose that I'm saddened to not understand, and I'm frustrated to not see. Such is life, though. I've never been able to see my "purpose" until later, but that's how I've always liked to live my life. I've never wanted to state a claim to future goals and ambitions. I've always wanted to live my life by going into each day with a new beginning, and then turning around at the end of a period of time, or a chapter in life, and observing the path I had just came down. That has been fulfillment to me; that has been what has excited me about life and kept me charged for the next chapter.
But anymore, I find it hard to do. Maybe its because I'm married now; maybe because I'm a mother. I tend to find myself hoping for more predicatability and structure, so as to not inconvenience my child or husband. I know that sounds wierd as they are in this journey with me, and we are on a journey together. As a single person, I wasn't too concerned with where I was going personally because I didn't have any "baggage" (not spoken negatively....only spoken in the terms that I wouldn't inconvenience those on the journey with me). I could go and go and go, and wherever I would end up, that's where I was - good or bad. Now, if bad, that's where I have my child and husband. Its a weird twist. Being new in marriage (almost 3 years) and wanting so badly for it to work forever, I haven't exactly grasped the concept of "togetherness" in its full capacity. I still feel alone, most of the time, on my journey and tend to take for granted that I have a partner in life. I know thats a dizzying intellect, but you'll find that my logic goes in circles sometimes. Just trying to type as I think.... I figure out my theories that way.
I've never felt like my life was my own. That's not negative - its simply truth. I've always believe that my purpose in life was for whatever the Lord has for me. I am His to use, period. Lately, I have struggled with that theory. I still believe it, but my mind and flesh keep tugging at my heart, telling me that my own personal "need" for self-accomplishment is the key to my happiness and fulfillment. Not so, says my heart, but my mind is taking over. This has been the source of my depression for quite a few months. Now that I have a baby, and my time is now diverted to his needs everyday, I have anxiety about the things that I SHOULD be doing instead - and I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'm doing what I SHOULD be doing NOW - not what anyone else, or even my mind says that I SHOULD be doing. I'm doing what the Lord has me doing - and that is preparing my son's life for greatness in the Lord. I'm his mother, and there's no other job more noble or fulfilling. Everyday I get a little closer to realization.
So on to the introduction to the first chapter. I'm very impressed with the verse used to introduce the chapter:
Jeremiah 17:7 -8: "Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, and whose trust is the Lord. For he is like a tree that is planted by the water, That extends its roots by a stream and will not fear when the heat comes; but its leaves will be green and it will not be anxious in a year of drought, nor cease to yield fruit."
THIS VERSE is going to go on an index card and taped to my bathroom mirror.
The very first page of the first chapter shares the same views as I have - my life is not my own, and I exist only because its God's will that I exist, and He is my creator.
Interesting .... Warren refers to "self help" books as leading to dead ends. Thank GOD my theory was thwarted there about THIS book. I was under the impression that this was one of THOSE books. He happens to hate those books too. (GOOD BYE to books like "The Secret." BAH!) The focus on "self" is actually the single downfall of man - Adam and Eve believed that they could be their own gods, and focused on saving themselves, and ate the apple. The serpent gave them them "self help" advice. "Eat the apple, and you will be like God." They successfully ate the apple, but then missed the point. They were miserable, and soon were humbled by their focus on self, and ashamed, and therefore began the spiraled downfall of mankind - the focus on "self-fulfillment" and such. Self centered does not constitute a God-centered life, unless YOU are God, and YOU (and I) are (am) not.
Warren mentions that there are 2 ways to discovering God's purpose for your life: SPECULATION and REVELATION.
Speculation is merely guessing. Obviously.
Revelation is asking God to reveal.
God doesn't always reveal in the ways that we feel he should, right? He doesn't just shout it to us, or whisper in our ear what our next move should be. This frustrates us in our day of instant communication. Patience and being still and listening is NOT a waste of our time. I have the hardest time with patience - but this is something I need to realize is part of my purpose. My every move should be based on what God wants me to do, and that I need to take the time to listen to his "voice" in whatever form it may be.
I think the thing that is hardest for us, as human beings, as creatures of GOd, to understand and grasp, is that our purpose is for a far bigger plan than we can ever understand, and than we will ever have the opportunity on this earth to see. We have a selfish desire to "want to know, and know now" what our purpose is, and how we fit the mix, that we often get discouraged, and resort to the self-fulfillment philosophies of life because they are the instant gratifications and immediate happiness, and fill us with pride for our accomplishments. Its time to get over that. And I'm going to work on this.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
My Child
I didn't realize it fully until today - I have a gifted child. I'm not talking about "gifted" in the terms of "needy" or "slower" and such.... I'm talking truly gifted. He's now almost 13 months old, and even before he was one, he was showing signs of extraordinary intelligence.
I'm not sure all that I'm in for, here. I think I'm in for a lot. He's an angel. I don't say that lightly. He really is.
He does all the things that a normal 12-18 month old child does - crawls, walks, plays, etc. But there is just something so charismatic about his personality. Something so intriguing.
He is working hard on learning words. You can tell his little brain wheels are turning constantly trying to latch on to every word that we say. Here are the words he is already saying quite clearly:
God
thank you
cracker
ribbit
duck
quack
ru-ru (for our dog)
night night
light
bye bye
hey / hello / hi
apple
Elmo
Dad
Mama
Mae Mae
whoo-whoo! (for Thomas the Train...and he even makes the chugga-chugga-chugga sounds that engines make)
When he says "God" he is usually grasping my or Mae Mae's necklace (my necklace has a cross, and Mae Mae's has Jesus and Saint Mary) and he holds the necklace up to our lips and has us kiss the pendant. Then he brings the pendant to his mouth and puts inside his mouth ever so slightly as to "kiss" the pendant himself (he doesn't know how to "kiss" yet).
He has NEVER met a stranger. Today we were in the grocery store, and he spoke to every person we came in contact with, and even those we didn't - people who were behind the pharmacy counter 20 feet away, as well as people in the meat department on the other side of the store. He was waving and smiling and joking and laughing, playing peek-a-boo with children.
He doesn't see color in skin. He is in love with every person he meets. He doesn't care if you don't smile back, or respond. he keeps trying to get your attention, just speaking a little louder. Its a game to him.
He expresses true pure joy. He has nothing that stands in the way of his smile. No prejudice, no hidden agendas, no fake grins, no hiding his true feelings. He is just joy in purity.
His charisma.....its captivating. He lites up everything around him.
He entertains people in church. He brings joy to everyone.
I've been called to be the mother of this miracle child. I hope and pray that i can help raise him in this world full of hate and despair to be a man of joy and kindness, peace, patience and goodness. My purpose may be to simply be a mother of love to raise this young man to make a large impact on the world. I've always known that my life will affect many - either directly, or indirectly - and I've already experienced many direct hits. Now the Lord will use me through my son to affect many on a different level. More to come on this.....
I'm not sure all that I'm in for, here. I think I'm in for a lot. He's an angel. I don't say that lightly. He really is.
He does all the things that a normal 12-18 month old child does - crawls, walks, plays, etc. But there is just something so charismatic about his personality. Something so intriguing.
He is working hard on learning words. You can tell his little brain wheels are turning constantly trying to latch on to every word that we say. Here are the words he is already saying quite clearly:
God
thank you
cracker
ribbit
duck
quack
ru-ru (for our dog)
night night
light
bye bye
hey / hello / hi
apple
Elmo
Dad
Mama
Mae Mae
whoo-whoo! (for Thomas the Train...and he even makes the chugga-chugga-chugga sounds that engines make)
When he says "God" he is usually grasping my or Mae Mae's necklace (my necklace has a cross, and Mae Mae's has Jesus and Saint Mary) and he holds the necklace up to our lips and has us kiss the pendant. Then he brings the pendant to his mouth and puts inside his mouth ever so slightly as to "kiss" the pendant himself (he doesn't know how to "kiss" yet).
He has NEVER met a stranger. Today we were in the grocery store, and he spoke to every person we came in contact with, and even those we didn't - people who were behind the pharmacy counter 20 feet away, as well as people in the meat department on the other side of the store. He was waving and smiling and joking and laughing, playing peek-a-boo with children.
He doesn't see color in skin. He is in love with every person he meets. He doesn't care if you don't smile back, or respond. he keeps trying to get your attention, just speaking a little louder. Its a game to him.
He expresses true pure joy. He has nothing that stands in the way of his smile. No prejudice, no hidden agendas, no fake grins, no hiding his true feelings. He is just joy in purity.
His charisma.....its captivating. He lites up everything around him.
He entertains people in church. He brings joy to everyone.
I've been called to be the mother of this miracle child. I hope and pray that i can help raise him in this world full of hate and despair to be a man of joy and kindness, peace, patience and goodness. My purpose may be to simply be a mother of love to raise this young man to make a large impact on the world. I've always known that my life will affect many - either directly, or indirectly - and I've already experienced many direct hits. Now the Lord will use me through my son to affect many on a different level. More to come on this.....
Thursday, December 20, 2007
This town
I received an email from my friend "G" today. She finally made the move. She has escaped a world of hurt and moved on to a different life in New York City. I knew she would do it - it was just a matter of time. I've very happy for her. She just went through a nasty, unexpected divorce - to ugly to detail. Good luck, my friend. I will miss you, as I always do, and yes, I will look you up when I get to NY...someday, when I can get there.
I'm fighting today. Fighting a lot of things. Its a bit of a quiet riot, but its still burning. I'm fighting mostly the feeling of running and going no where. I'm fighting not understanding my purpose. I am about to start that book but I'm dreading it. I feel as though I know what its going to say. And I feel that I've already struggled through what it will say. I think I've already been there. I don't want to write the story before I read it, so I will read it, I guess. I know - it sounds like someone has my feet to the fire to read it. No one does, but myself. I'm going to give it a chance. I hope I don't roll my eyes with every chapter.
Very lonely these days. This little town is swallowing me up a little bit. Its nice at times, but there are things about that it lacks. There are no sidewalks. I think that is a symbol of the town. There is no place to run or exercise. Plus, when can I? I can't, unless its at 5 am when my husband is home with my son. But then, its still dark out,so what's the difference between running at 5am, and 7pm when he gets home from work? Nothing. I get the same old comment "Its dark -someone will hit you, or kidnap you." I understand the fear, but ..... you know. We have an elliptical machine, but damn it if I'll use it. Its enclosed in 4 walls - the point is to get OUT.
I walked into a store today to look around. There was a lady behind the counter who goes to my church. Also behind the counter were 3 highschool girls, talking madly about "E", the girl that babysits for me. It was apparent that they were incredibly jealous of her, and hated her. She is very beautiful, yes, and a cheerleader, and has a great family and boy friend - but man, to hear them cackle with their nasal voices with their noses crinkled up made me remember my own high school days, and how I am so grateful to not be in those days again. When we left, we hit up another store just down the road. Same thing happened - only they were discussing some other girl-of-envy.
I've never had time for that. I still don't have time for that. The women that I've met here - that's all they do - cackle and snidely remark about each other's looks, possessions and accomplishments. I'm limited on my company here. In my previous place of living, I could just ease out of those destructive relationships as easy as I slipped in - and now, I'm stuck. Its only going to get worse as my son gets into school.
I will survive here. I know it. WE will survive here. And if the Lord has us moving - so be it. Staying - so be it, too. Whichever....we'll make it. I just hope I can adjust to these things, or learn to deal - maybe thats the same thing.
I'm fighting today. Fighting a lot of things. Its a bit of a quiet riot, but its still burning. I'm fighting mostly the feeling of running and going no where. I'm fighting not understanding my purpose. I am about to start that book but I'm dreading it. I feel as though I know what its going to say. And I feel that I've already struggled through what it will say. I think I've already been there. I don't want to write the story before I read it, so I will read it, I guess. I know - it sounds like someone has my feet to the fire to read it. No one does, but myself. I'm going to give it a chance. I hope I don't roll my eyes with every chapter.
Very lonely these days. This little town is swallowing me up a little bit. Its nice at times, but there are things about that it lacks. There are no sidewalks. I think that is a symbol of the town. There is no place to run or exercise. Plus, when can I? I can't, unless its at 5 am when my husband is home with my son. But then, its still dark out,so what's the difference between running at 5am, and 7pm when he gets home from work? Nothing. I get the same old comment "Its dark -someone will hit you, or kidnap you." I understand the fear, but ..... you know. We have an elliptical machine, but damn it if I'll use it. Its enclosed in 4 walls - the point is to get OUT.
I walked into a store today to look around. There was a lady behind the counter who goes to my church. Also behind the counter were 3 highschool girls, talking madly about "E", the girl that babysits for me. It was apparent that they were incredibly jealous of her, and hated her. She is very beautiful, yes, and a cheerleader, and has a great family and boy friend - but man, to hear them cackle with their nasal voices with their noses crinkled up made me remember my own high school days, and how I am so grateful to not be in those days again. When we left, we hit up another store just down the road. Same thing happened - only they were discussing some other girl-of-envy.
I've never had time for that. I still don't have time for that. The women that I've met here - that's all they do - cackle and snidely remark about each other's looks, possessions and accomplishments. I'm limited on my company here. In my previous place of living, I could just ease out of those destructive relationships as easy as I slipped in - and now, I'm stuck. Its only going to get worse as my son gets into school.
I will survive here. I know it. WE will survive here. And if the Lord has us moving - so be it. Staying - so be it, too. Whichever....we'll make it. I just hope I can adjust to these things, or learn to deal - maybe thats the same thing.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Amateur photography
I took my title photo last night while taking different texture photos last night. I went crazy with my little Sony digital camera that is next to a piece of junk when it comes to professional photography. In between taking photos of my son, I was snapping photos of textures of wood from our liquor cabinet and from the wood pile outside. I took a photo of a pillow on our couch, and even the denim pattern on my blue jeans, and fake grass in my fake tree, and that pattern on the Christmas stocking that hangs on my mantle. All in black and white. I adore black and white. So much depth.
I would love to learn more about photography. Its can be an expensive hobby, and "expensive" isn't really the lifestyle we have. I think my Sony will do for now.
I would love to learn more about photography. Its can be an expensive hobby, and "expensive" isn't really the lifestyle we have. I think my Sony will do for now.
Reading, Dancing and the Longing for Independence
I spent the morning reading, after my son finally went down for a nap. I'm reading "The Secret Life of Bees" by Sue Monk Kidd. This book is simply incredible - the writing style of Ms Kidd is amazing. I can imagine each line as though I am the 14 year old girl named Lily in South Carolinawho longs for her mother, hates her father, has run away from home with her house keeper in 1964, and finds refuge with 3 sisters who make their living as beekeepers during the civil rights era.
Christmas is almost upon me. I'm not spending it with my family, but with my husband's. I'm fine with that, as I love my in laws dearly. They are just like my own blood family, and I see them more than my own. THey have accepted me in as one of their own, and for that I am grateful.
Sometimes I wish that I could just hop a plane to NYC - by myself - and just wander the streets in my long pea coat, a stocking cap, and gloves, with a warm cup of coffee warming my hands as I wrap my interlaced fingers around the base of the cup. (Not that I don't want the company of my son and husband - as I would rather go nowhere with him, than anywhere alone ... he's the best - but sometimes being alone for a few moments helps you grow when you're together.) I would watch people, look in windows, stop in a random bar for a drink at night, talk to strangers, make a new friend, hail a cab, walk through a gallery, find a corner bar with music, watch children as they beam at a Santa Claus or skip into a toy store. I just want to have some alone time, away from what's norm, and regroup. I feel like I haven't had anything "new" in a while, if that makes sense. (That sounds so crazy actually as we just moved 6 months ago, but being enclosed in the same 4 walls for more than a few days can really pull at your skin.) I also long to feel a sense of independence again - to know that I can do things without someone holding my hand. Being married is great - and I get mad at myself a lot when I say the word "I" more than I say "we." My marriage is great, my husband is an angel of God, and I'm not for one second ungrateful. Before I was married, I did everything on my own - even lived by myself (until I got my dog). I love being married, and I love my child - I just need to be reminded that I still have the strength to do things alone. I need some independence every now and again. I rely on my husband more than I want to to handle certain things that I was forced to do alone at one time. I need that strength back.
I don't think that last paragraph quite came out right. I know what I'm trying to say - I just can't put it into words.
I'm about to start a book that I have avoided at all costs. "A Purpose Driven Life" has been one of those books that I have counted as "cheesy Christian." My faith as a Christian is a strong one - but I vomit at the thought of cheesy "self help" Christian books that defeat the purpose of trusting God. But I've caved in to read this book after a dear friend sent it to me and said that this book really helped her. I think I'll give it a shot. Its a 30 day study - each chapter designated to a day of study. I will write about it here, and probably call it "Forty Days in the Trenches Taking Grenades." Ha! That's just about how I've been feeling lately, and every time I go to battle with God over things, I always come out a new person, as anyone does. Lately, I haven't felt like change has been on the list of things to happen, but then again - I am not God. So here goes - I start in a few days.
Flamenco dancing has been on my mind lately. I want to learn so badly. I think I would be good at it. I've started researching it, and I've found an instructor 45 minutes away.
I know these thoughts are random. It will always be like this. :) That's the way my brain works.
Time to go feed the Elmo-slippered little boy I just put in a high chair that has an animal cracker mustache. He's so damn cute....
Christmas is almost upon me. I'm not spending it with my family, but with my husband's. I'm fine with that, as I love my in laws dearly. They are just like my own blood family, and I see them more than my own. THey have accepted me in as one of their own, and for that I am grateful.
Sometimes I wish that I could just hop a plane to NYC - by myself - and just wander the streets in my long pea coat, a stocking cap, and gloves, with a warm cup of coffee warming my hands as I wrap my interlaced fingers around the base of the cup. (Not that I don't want the company of my son and husband - as I would rather go nowhere with him, than anywhere alone ... he's the best - but sometimes being alone for a few moments helps you grow when you're together.) I would watch people, look in windows, stop in a random bar for a drink at night, talk to strangers, make a new friend, hail a cab, walk through a gallery, find a corner bar with music, watch children as they beam at a Santa Claus or skip into a toy store. I just want to have some alone time, away from what's norm, and regroup. I feel like I haven't had anything "new" in a while, if that makes sense. (That sounds so crazy actually as we just moved 6 months ago, but being enclosed in the same 4 walls for more than a few days can really pull at your skin.) I also long to feel a sense of independence again - to know that I can do things without someone holding my hand. Being married is great - and I get mad at myself a lot when I say the word "I" more than I say "we." My marriage is great, my husband is an angel of God, and I'm not for one second ungrateful. Before I was married, I did everything on my own - even lived by myself (until I got my dog). I love being married, and I love my child - I just need to be reminded that I still have the strength to do things alone. I need some independence every now and again. I rely on my husband more than I want to to handle certain things that I was forced to do alone at one time. I need that strength back.
I don't think that last paragraph quite came out right. I know what I'm trying to say - I just can't put it into words.
I'm about to start a book that I have avoided at all costs. "A Purpose Driven Life" has been one of those books that I have counted as "cheesy Christian." My faith as a Christian is a strong one - but I vomit at the thought of cheesy "self help" Christian books that defeat the purpose of trusting God. But I've caved in to read this book after a dear friend sent it to me and said that this book really helped her. I think I'll give it a shot. Its a 30 day study - each chapter designated to a day of study. I will write about it here, and probably call it "Forty Days in the Trenches Taking Grenades." Ha! That's just about how I've been feeling lately, and every time I go to battle with God over things, I always come out a new person, as anyone does. Lately, I haven't felt like change has been on the list of things to happen, but then again - I am not God. So here goes - I start in a few days.
Flamenco dancing has been on my mind lately. I want to learn so badly. I think I would be good at it. I've started researching it, and I've found an instructor 45 minutes away.
I know these thoughts are random. It will always be like this. :) That's the way my brain works.
Time to go feed the Elmo-slippered little boy I just put in a high chair that has an animal cracker mustache. He's so damn cute....
Monday, December 17, 2007
Mourning
I don't claim to know how to "write." I just write. Millions of people write. Twice as many don't, I suppose. I just write as I think. Sometimes my thoughts are linear - sometimes circular - sometimes with no direction at all.
I've been observing people with children a lot lately, especially now that I'm a new mom of one year. My observation has been interesting. No one really gives the secret away that you lose a lot of yourself when you have a child, or children. That's not necessarily a "bad" thing - just a harsh realization, and a sudden death, and before you know it, you're in mourning. I believe this happens more for women, than it does for men. You find yourself suddenly on a road your didn't think you were taking, even when you did know and decide to have children. You once had a different outlook, and didn't realize the hills and sharp curves and blind corners, and confusing intersections you would come across.
I am not regretful in my decision to have children. But I'm coping with much loss. I'm mourning who I used to be, and what I was supposed to be in my own mind, as well as what I don't live up to everyday. I know in my heart, I have bigger better things - and I shouldn't doubt the plan that the Lord has - but I'm just in mourning right now.
I've been observing people with children a lot lately, especially now that I'm a new mom of one year. My observation has been interesting. No one really gives the secret away that you lose a lot of yourself when you have a child, or children. That's not necessarily a "bad" thing - just a harsh realization, and a sudden death, and before you know it, you're in mourning. I believe this happens more for women, than it does for men. You find yourself suddenly on a road your didn't think you were taking, even when you did know and decide to have children. You once had a different outlook, and didn't realize the hills and sharp curves and blind corners, and confusing intersections you would come across.
I am not regretful in my decision to have children. But I'm coping with much loss. I'm mourning who I used to be, and what I was supposed to be in my own mind, as well as what I don't live up to everyday. I know in my heart, I have bigger better things - and I shouldn't doubt the plan that the Lord has - but I'm just in mourning right now.
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