Thomas, my twin.

I've been wanting to do little studies on each one of Jesus' disciples for a while now. My inspiration to do so came when my mother-in-law, who is a devout Catholic, gave us one of those "Catholic Family Appointment Calendars" back in January. Its been sitting so patiently on my desk, leaning up on the back hutch, until I could conjure up the right timing, and further inspiration to ponder and write.

Within the calendar, each month spotlights a different disciple. Perfectly appropriate as, of course, there were 12 of them.

I received further inspiration to research these chosen few just this past Sunday, when in church, the message was about Thomas. I didn't catch the message clearly, as my son was my main focal point in the cry room, of which we frequent. ( I often wonder why we go to church anyway these days, as when I DO go, I chase around my son, and hardly hear one word of the message. I suppose we go for weeks like this past, huh, where I catch a few lines that linger in my mind enough to research and reflect. Makes the cry room worth its weight in gold, now, I suppose.)

Now, as I began digging tonight, I came across a thought that I've never realized before. These chose few were often referred to as one of two definitions: either as a DISCIPLE, or an APOSTLE. I never realized that these two things are actually exact opposites. A disciple is a follower, and an apostle is a leader. This may have been taught to many of you, and probably a well known fact, but my logic tells me that they were anointed as apostles following the ascent of Christ, as they were told to "go forth."

Anyway, Thomas was an interesting character. The Bible doesn't really go into much discussion about who he is or where he is from, but interestingly enough, in this day and time, that doesn't matter, as that makes it easier to apply his character to - well, frankly, anyone living in this era. Just by the comments that we hear him say in the Word, we can tell that he is a well-read man. He is one that is book smart. He is head smart. He has to have written word and a consequential visual to trust. He is essentially unwilling to leap out in blind faith. He was a pessimist at best, trying without really "trying" to shed a shadow of negativity and impossibility on every idea or concept.

I felt right at home reading his quote "Master, we do not know where you are going; how can we know the way?" when Christ said that He would be leaving them to prepare them a place, and when He said "I will come back again and take you to myself, so that where I am you also may be. Where I am going, you know the way."

Jesus' gentle response was a simple "Thomas, I am THE WAY. You don't have to know a "way" because you are looking at the way. I'm the only way you need to know. And my WAY is truth and life. All else is false, death and only lead you to destruction. Why should you wander any other way, when I'm the only path you need to take. Keep your eyes upon Me."

When Jesus appeared to his disciples after his death and resurrection, Thomas was missing from the gathering. When the other disciples told Thomas of Christ's visitation, he wasn't impressed, and said "I'll believe it when I see Him and I can touch Him and know He's real."

A few days later, he had the chance to be face to face with Christ, and it was obvious that Christ was forgiving of Thomas' doubt, as he placed Thomas' hands on his nail wounds to show him, basically saying "Thomas, why do you doubt me? Why do you doubt my words? Why do you doubt my love? You lack faith."

God has forgiveness for lack of faith. He proved that with Thomas. That gives us a bit of a safety net, I believe, as we are human, and we are susceptible to doubt. But that doesn't give us an excuse to look down from the high wire. The net of forgiveness is there, but we still need to get across to the other side of the wire. There is a reason why we are told to "not look down" as when we do, we lose the focal point.

Thomas is my twin. I find myself subconsciously searching for a sign, a proof of existence if you will. One moment, I'm good with not knowing what is to come. The next, I feel myself believing that I will step off the side of the earth if I can't see what is in front of me. Thomas was one who constantly struggled with the ultimate struggle regarding faith of mankind: the battle between head and heart.

Oh me of little faith. Thank you Lord for forgiving me for constantly doubting You.

I leave you with the lyrics of a song by Nickel Creek called "Doubting Thomas."

What will be left when I've drawn my last breath,
Besides the folks I've met and the folks who know me?
Will I discover a soul-saving love,
Or just the dirt above and below me?

I'm a doubting Thomas.
I took a promise,
But I do not feel safe;
Oh, me of little faith.

Sometimes I pray for a slap in the face,
Then I beg to be spared cause I'm a coward.
If there's a master of death, I bet he's holding his breath
As I show the blind and tell the deaf about his power.

I'm a doubting Thomas.
I can't keep my promises,
Cause I don't know what's safe.
Oh, me of little faith.

Can I be used to help others find truth
When I'm scared I'll find proof that it's a lie?
Can I be lead down a trail of dropping bread crumbs
That prove I'm not ready to die?

Please give me time to decipher the signs,
Please forgive me for the time that I've wasted.

I'm a doubting Thomas,
I'll take your promise
Though I know nothin's safe.
Oh, me of little faith.