Sixteen Inches

"There will be wars and rumors of wars..."

2008-10-01T17:28:00.003-05:00

I don't know where you all stand politically - and I'm not really sure how to not alienate my readers in these weird political times - But I do need to comment....

If (and I believe "when" unfortunately, as prophecy continues to be fulfilled) Obama gets into office, we are in for some big trouble, my Christian Friends. I'm not saying its the 'beginning of the end' as I believe that's been in the works for a while, but its definitely proof that we are smack in the middle of something big and bad - and let's continue to hold on tight. Don't lose faith, nor heart, and keep your eyes and ears open. Its worse than you think. Don't waver from your faith foundation, for as the Word says "Wherever the corpse is, there the vultures will gather." If ever a time to strengthen your knowledge in the Word, its NOW.

Love and prayers to you all.

Discipline

2008-09-15T23:08:00.003-05:00

I've had one of the hardest days today with my son. He is almost 2 and he's well advanced in the defiance stage.

He has this thing about kicking our dogs. He thinks its funny. Its not. They will bite him if he does it enough. We've been trying to learn the best way(s) to correct him, but no way has been effective yet. Usually we give him a warning, and then put him in his bed with no toys. TOnight after that didn't work, I tried to just pick him up and force him to sit in my lap for time out. He believes that he is stronger than me and that if he writhes enough, I'll give in. I didn't give in, but for 15 minutes he cried, and screamed and writhed. I got my work out in, for sure. And he kicked the hell out of my pregnant stomach. I can't even tell you how sore I am....

I had to pop him earlier today, and I cried when I did because I hurt him. He is vehemently opposed to having his diaper changed. I don't know why. Its unreal. But when I carry him to his room to change him, he fights me, and hits and kicks me (again, in my stomach.....I'm so scared he's going to make me lose my baby). Once I lay him down on his changer, he kicks me - HARD. I press his legs down and tell him 'no' and say "stop kicking. No kicking, no hitting!" He does know the word 'no' but he blatantly refuses. Sometimes I try to make a game out of the changing and say "Look how fast we can change you!!!!!" He kicked me so hard today, I raised up his bare bottom and popped him hard with a big "NO!" After he looked at me with scared, hurt eyes of "mommy.....what? why?" he started crying so hard, and I started crying with him. I hugged him and said "I'm sorry but you cannot do that!" Thank God he was my friend a few moments later.... but I was so scared that he would push me away, that he wouldn't think that I love him with all my heart.

I'm so scared. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I'm doing this right.

Parents' Prayer

2008-08-13T15:24:00.002-05:00

Its been so hard these days to find help for me with my little one. I need a break, and for some reason, a break hasn't been granted, as I just simply cannot find help in this small town. Soon enough, I suppose.

In the meantime, my mother-in-law sent me this really beautiful prayer last week that I've just now had a chance to sit and read over. Its one of the best prayers I've ever read and it hits my nail on the head today:

Most Loving Father, the example of parenthood,
You have entrusted our children to us to bring them up for you
And prepare them for everlasting life.
Assist us with your grace,
That we may fulfill this sacred duty with competence and love.
Teach us what to give and what to withhold.
Show us when to reprove, when to praise, and when to be silent.
Make us gentle and considerate
Yet firm and watchful.
Keep us from the weakness of indulgence and the excess of severity.
Give us the courage to be disliked sometimes by our children
When we must do necessary things which are displeasing in their eyes.
Give us the imagination to enter their world in order to understand and to guide them.
Grant us all the virtues we need to lead them by word and example,
In the ways of wisdom and piety.
One day, with them, may we enter into the joys
Of our true and lasting home with you in heaven.
Amen.

Cars

2008-08-08T10:47:00.004-05:00

My 21 month old son and I sat down yesterday to watch the Disney movie "Cars." I can tell you, he will never watch that movie - again. I was mortified when Lightning McQueen was running from the cops (first of all), and kicks it in to high-gear to beat a speeding train (most of all).

Are you kidding me? Does Disney not get it by now that they leave such deep impressions on children? I still remember being a child and watching Disney movies intently, leaning on every word and scene. Tragic....simply tragic on our children.

Time to Sit

2008-07-09T15:47:00.000-05:00

Finally. A moment of quiet.

We’ve just moved into a home. Finally. It has been a whole month’s worth of moving, etc etc etc.

We have completely moved out of our other place, and we are in the new home, but we are still in and out of boxes. I’m anxious to be out of boxes as my sickness for organization is starting to eat away at my planned patience. With a toddler, its tough to find time to do much else than …. Well, run around. Ha!

But today, after finding myself face to face with anxiety (again, after I thought I was through that cloud of darkness about 6 weeks ago) where anything in front of me was in danger of being punted like a football, I decided to just “sit.” Its raining outside – a nice steady shower that our dried up dusty yard has been begging for – and its just that time…for me to just sit and breathe. And realize it doesn’t all have to get done right now.

I’m getting severely anxious as I’ve put my world on hold – again – for the sake of this move – which was necessary and a TRUE BLESSING. But now that we are in, I’m chomping at the bit to get back to my business. Thank goodness my client list is fairly limited to, well, just my mom right now, but I do have several others lined up that are not putting pressure on me, by any means, but I am putting the pressure on myself. And if I could just get through this unpacking stage, I can once again get started, and then cure my need for creative thinking and activity.

In the process of moving, I found some of my old journals from when I was in college. I began to read them like a novel, and I frankly couldn’t put them down. I’m so glad that I was able to revisit those years, because it said so much about who I was and where I have come, or not come, and what I had left behind. Very interesting. Those days were my “crazy” days. Single and free, I was more in touch with my heart and spiritual temperature gauge than I am now, surprisingly. These days, I don’t have time to consider my heart. And that makes me sad. And, well, lonely. Back then, I had time to reflect more about my inner soul, and my walk with the Lord than I do these days. And I had more energy. I was closer to the Lord then than I am now.

But maybe that’s ok because, in some ways, I’m closer to the Lord in other, unexpected areas, because of my marriage and my child, and all the encompasses those around me. But I can feel myself growing closed to many ideas, and becoming ignorant of life and faith. Its that “left behind” feeling again, creeping up on me, that I felt when I moved here.

Its just funny how little things, like not having your home unpacked, can make you feel like you are under 10,000 pounds of bricks.

The rain has stopped. I think my sitting time is up for now. Back to work…. More later…..

Another move

2008-06-04T09:38:00.003-05:00

Hey all, I apologize that I've been gone so much lately! Life has had me in an uproar. All is good, thank God, but we are on the 'move' again. We finally found a home, and we are going to be moving our world about 5 miles. Last year at this time, we moved 300 miles, so this move SHOULD be a drop in the bucket.

I'll be back soon!! Until then, be blessed. I won't be gone all that long.

Music Meme

2008-05-05T16:07:00.002-05:00

I got this "meme" from Maria at Just Eat Your Cupcake blog. She's a smart ass and I love her. So I decided this one looked fun, and so I did it, whether I really had the time to or not. ((I didn't, but what the heck...I needed some me time.)

Here's how to do it: Put your ipod on shuffle and press next for each question. Write down the song that's playing as an answer.

1) How would you describe yourself?

Green Eyes by Coldplay – Well, I don’t have green eyes. At all. Not even in a different light. They are black brown. Just about as dark as can be. BUT…this happens to be one of my favorite songs on my whole list of tune selections. When I thought I might try to break out as an artist, I wanted to cover this song, country-pop style. But it is odd – every lyric that was sang is what my hubby has said to me at some point or another – even before he heard the song – except for the “green eyes” part….

2) What do you like in a guy/girl?

“Come Away With Me” by Norah Jones – You mean, MY guy…. He’s not as sentimental as this song, but the “I want to walk with you on a cloudy day, where all the yellow grass grows knee high” and such is proverbial for our marriage. I love this song. Its just the classic love song. In fact, I’ve sang it at 2 weddings.

3) What is your motto?

“Oh Atlanta” by Alison Kraus & Union Station – “Same old place, same old city. What can I do, I’m falling in love… Oh Atlanta, I hear you calling, I’m heading back to YOuuuuu one fine day” MMMMMMM!!!!! This song is delicious! I love Atlanta, and I love this song!

4) What do your friends think of you?

“A Clean Pair of Eyes” by David Gray – This is an interesting irony. I should hope that my friends feel that I have a clean pair of eyes – a forgiving heart and ofference of a new clean start after blemished situation. The song actually is a prayer to God to be able to see with a clean pair of eyes following a mass of dreams that speak of fear, silence and doubt. In another aspect, maybe my friends think that I can be one that continues to hope for good things following negative news?? Now I’m reaching….

5) What do you think about often?

“Gravity” by Coldplay – You know, I thought that Gravity songs by John Mayer or Alison Kraus really fit more my style of thinking. And I’ve never really listened to the words of this song as much as I did the melody. But today I listened. And I cried. I see it as a song about the ultimate love, and then the tragic turn of losing the one you love to death – how you are pulled together through the gravity of love, and the only thing that can pull you apart is the gravity of death. If you do not have this song in your itunes collection, you must get it. It will set your mood. Its absolutely, absolutely….beautiful.

6) What do your parents think of you?

“Hurricane” by Mindy Smith – Wow…what a day to concentrate on the lyrics of the songs I really dig. I don’t know if this pertains to how my parents think of me, but this is such a beautiful song as well. If the lyrics were anything descriptive of hurricane, they could probably think this of me when I was about 18. But this is another song about loss and leaving, and the troubles of moving on. In this song, it would be best for a hurricane, or something of a natural force of destruction, force her to move on with her life, as she hasn’t the strength to move herself. Another good one for the lonely tune list. And what a VOICE……..what a voice. My dear friend Amanda has this voice on steroids, and every time I hear Mindy, I think of Amanda. I hope you are still singing, Amanda….

7) What do you think of your best friend?

“Bleeders” by the Wallflowers – Nah, Joe doesn’t “bleed” easy. I bleed much easier than he does. Emotionally, not physically.

8) What do you think of the person you like?

“Within You” by Ray LaMontagne – The only lyrics to this song is “War is not the answer, the answer is within you. Love, Love…..” Ironic selection. This has been his lesson of the year.

9) What do you want to be when you grow up?

“Sexy Ladies” by Justin Timberlake
Just the fact that I have this song means that I haven’t grown up – you may as well consider me a 14 year old girl because I have a little JT in my collection. But what can I say… I dig his stuff. And Joey and I like to dance to it. But yes, when I grow up, maybe I’ll finally be a “sexy lady.”

10) What do you think when you see the person you like?

“Fumbling Toward Ecstasy” by Sara McLachlin – Another ironic selection. The person I “like” of course is the one I love – my husband. There is fear hidden in love, at times. Fear and love are opposites, yet they intertwine. And I still have fears within our love, and yes, we fumble with each other towards the ecstasy of finding our love. We are in love, yet, it grows as fears are destroyed, one by one.

11) What song will they play at your wedding?

“Cold Water” by Damien Rice
Considering I’ve already had my wedding, and this song was not on the satellite radio mix going on in the background of our little reception, it SHOULD have been played…if you know what I mean.

12) What will they play at your funeral?

“Tripping Billies” by the Dave Matthews Band - “Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we die….”

13) What is your hobby/interest?

“If you could only see” by Tonic – the only thing hobbyish about this song for me is singing it. I love this song. Who doesn’t?

14) What is your biggest fear?

“Crash Into Me” by the Dave Matthews Band – well, you know. It’s a fear. I don’t like car accidents …. Or tornados.

15) What is your biggest secret?

“Turn Me On” by Norah Jones.
Getting a little personal, are we now??

16) What do you think of your friends?

“Slave Song” by Sade.
This doesn’t fit AT ALL.

17) What is your theme song?

“These Arms of Mine” by Otis Redding – Yearning for my man, only. And my baby boy. I gotta have hugs from my mens.

18) What do you think of your family?

“White Christmas” by Dean Martin – Ok, so this is my lone Christmas album in my itunes selection and somehow out of 1500+ songs, WHITE DAMN CHRISTMAS pops in on the list. I guess it kind of fits though. I like Christmas with my family. I love it, in fact. ☺ I’ll take a White Christmas right here. Perfect fit.

19) What is your best friend's theme song?

“Kind and Generous” by Natalie Merchant – this would be my man. ☺ I couldn’t’ think of a more perfect song….!

20) What is your mood right now?

“Everytime You Say Goodbye” by Alison Kraus and Union Station. – “There's a restless feeling knocking at my door today
There's a shadow hanging 'round my garden gate” I have been feeling VERY restless lately. I need a break. Bad. I need to have some “me” time, some away time. I need to recharge my battery. YES, this is my mood.

21) If your heart could talk what would it say?

“Hurricane Waters” by Citizen Cope – “I will carry you through the hurricane waters, And I'll remember you in the blue skies.” My sentiments exactly.

22) What do your co-workers think of you?

“Piano Concerto No. 1 in B flat minor Opus 23” by Tchiakovsky – complicated and clumsy? Yeah, probably – but I don’t have any co-workers so its all good.

23) What does your future look like?

“Harder to Breathe” by Maroon 5
hmmm…. Probably some truth to this, but I’m always hoping that it will be easier to breathe, metaphorically speaking. But as I get older physically, you know how the body gets. At least I don’t smoke.

Thomas, my twin.

2008-04-02T22:19:00.005-05:00

I've been wanting to do little studies on each one of Jesus' disciples for a while now. My inspiration to do so came when my mother-in-law, who is a devout Catholic, gave us one of those "Catholic Family Appointment Calendars" back in January. Its been sitting so patiently on my desk, leaning up on the back hutch, until I could conjure up the right timing, and further inspiration to ponder and write.

Within the calendar, each month spotlights a different disciple. Perfectly appropriate as, of course, there were 12 of them.

I received further inspiration to research these chosen few just this past Sunday, when in church, the message was about Thomas. I didn't catch the message clearly, as my son was my main focal point in the cry room, of which we frequent. ( I often wonder why we go to church anyway these days, as when I DO go, I chase around my son, and hardly hear one word of the message. I suppose we go for weeks like this past, huh, where I catch a few lines that linger in my mind enough to research and reflect. Makes the cry room worth its weight in gold, now, I suppose.)

Now, as I began digging tonight, I came across a thought that I've never realized before. These chose few were often referred to as one of two definitions: either as a DISCIPLE, or an APOSTLE. I never realized that these two things are actually exact opposites. A disciple is a follower, and an apostle is a leader. This may have been taught to many of you, and probably a well known fact, but my logic tells me that they were anointed as apostles following the ascent of Christ, as they were told to "go forth."

Anyway, Thomas was an interesting character. The Bible doesn't really go into much discussion about who he is or where he is from, but interestingly enough, in this day and time, that doesn't matter, as that makes it easier to apply his character to - well, frankly, anyone living in this era. Just by the comments that we hear him say in the Word, we can tell that he is a well-read man. He is one that is book smart. He is head smart. He has to have written word and a consequential visual to trust. He is essentially unwilling to leap out in blind faith. He was a pessimist at best, trying without really "trying" to shed a shadow of negativity and impossibility on every idea or concept.

I felt right at home reading his quote "Master, we do not know where you are going; how can we know the way?" when Christ said that He would be leaving them to prepare them a place, and when He said "I will come back again and take you to myself, so that where I am you also may be. Where I am going, you know the way."

Jesus' gentle response was a simple "Thomas, I am THE WAY. You don't have to know a "way" because you are looking at the way. I'm the only way you need to know. And my WAY is truth and life. All else is false, death and only lead you to destruction. Why should you wander any other way, when I'm the only path you need to take. Keep your eyes upon Me."

When Jesus appeared to his disciples after his death and resurrection, Thomas was missing from the gathering. When the other disciples told Thomas of Christ's visitation, he wasn't impressed, and said "I'll believe it when I see Him and I can touch Him and know He's real."

A few days later, he had the chance to be face to face with Christ, and it was obvious that Christ was forgiving of Thomas' doubt, as he placed Thomas' hands on his nail wounds to show him, basically saying "Thomas, why do you doubt me? Why do you doubt my words? Why do you doubt my love? You lack faith."

God has forgiveness for lack of faith. He proved that with Thomas. That gives us a bit of a safety net, I believe, as we are human, and we are susceptible to doubt. But that doesn't give us an excuse to look down from the high wire. The net of forgiveness is there, but we still need to get across to the other side of the wire. There is a reason why we are told to "not look down" as when we do, we lose the focal point.

Thomas is my twin. I find myself subconsciously searching for a sign, a proof of existence if you will. One moment, I'm good with not knowing what is to come. The next, I feel myself believing that I will step off the side of the earth if I can't see what is in front of me. Thomas was one who constantly struggled with the ultimate struggle regarding faith of mankind: the battle between head and heart.

Oh me of little faith. Thank you Lord for forgiving me for constantly doubting You.

I leave you with the lyrics of a song by Nickel Creek called "Doubting Thomas."

What will be left when I've drawn my last breath,
Besides the folks I've met and the folks who know me?
Will I discover a soul-saving love,
Or just the dirt above and below me?

I'm a doubting Thomas.
I took a promise,
But I do not feel safe;
Oh, me of little faith.

Sometimes I pray for a slap in the face,
Then I beg to be spared cause I'm a coward.
If there's a master of death, I bet he's holding his breath
As I show the blind and tell the deaf about his power.

I'm a doubting Thomas.
I can't keep my promises,
Cause I don't know what's safe.
Oh, me of little faith.

Can I be used to help others find truth
When I'm scared I'll find proof that it's a lie?
Can I be lead down a trail of dropping bread crumbs
That prove I'm not ready to die?

Please give me time to decipher the signs,
Please forgive me for the time that I've wasted.

I'm a doubting Thomas,
I'll take your promise
Though I know nothin's safe.
Oh, me of little faith.

Good Music

2008-03-31T17:54:00.002-05:00

I just bought the new Allison Krauss and Robert Plant duet album called "Raising Sand."

I'm am thoroughly impressed. I am in love with this album and I'm only on the 5th song.

If you don't have it - go get it. Its fascinating.

Discouraged

2008-03-30T00:09:00.003-05:00

I'm sorry that I've been so distant this last month. I honestly haven't had the time or energy to write. But I've also been afraid to write. I'm not exactly sure as to why. Just some insecurities creeping up on me. I've typed a few entries and then given up on them shortly before posting.

These days are interesting. I'm finding myself in a twist of emotion that I feel very guilty about.

I have dreams and things to do to pursue those dreams, but my time is consumed with other activities. I find myself spending most of my time cleaning up after my toddler, washing and folding clothes, unloading and reloading dishwashers, cooking meals, putting 5-piece sippy cups together (yes we finally are on sippy cups, and I don't know why they are so complicated either - don't the manufacturers know that moms have a million other things to do besides reassemble sippy cups?), paying bills, call utility and insurance and credit card companies because their invoices are incorrect, grocery and supply shopping, vacuuming, bathing dogs, mopping the floors, picking up things out of place, etc. Even when my child is napping, I'm doing things for my husband, such as calling the realtors, or checking grammar on his emails and reports.

All of these things I don't mind doing. They keep our lives going. But my melancholy heart wants to have time to pursue my business.

And then on the side, my husband has 3 different ideas for other businesses. When I ask "who will run these businesses?" His reply is always "Well.....you." I quickly have to put him in his place to tell him that my heart is not in those passions of business. But he then replies with "But its a no-brainer!!!! Do you know how much money we'll make?" I don't care, honey. I've spent my whole life post poning the things that I want to do for the sake of what other people want to do. Please, for the love of God, I just want to do what I want to do.

We found out a few weeks ago that our landlord is selling this house that we are living in to her sister and that we must be out by June. House hunting has kicked into high gear for us now, but unfortunately, even in this slumped over housing market, we can't find anything that is going to fit our needs. I'm hoping that one day soon, the Lord will provide us with something that is so blatantly obvious to be our home that we can't deny. This little town doesn't hold much hope.

In my days, I don't have much time to read any more. I'm not being challenged. I'm struggling with loneliness at home. I feel forgotten. This world is passing me by and I'm just waving at the train as it leaves the station....

Jonah

2008-02-24T12:08:00.004-06:00

I've read and heard the story of Jonah many times since I was a kid. But I read it again today, some of it. A couple of things....

Chapter One speaks about how God gave him a commandment to go to Nineveh to tell them about their sinfulness, and that it was going to be their ruin unless they repented and turned to God.

Jonah immediately said "Hell, no. Not me. I'm not the one for the job." His pride and disbelief caused him to catch the next ship out, and run. Once he boarded the ship, he went down to a lower deck level, crawled up on a bunk, went to sleep, and forgot about the whole thing because he was "safe" and could go about his business.

A couple hours later, he was shaken awake by the captain, telling him that there was an immense storm outside, and that he should get up to the upper deck and pray to his god like the others were doing to help calm the storm.

The crew and the captain didn't know who's god amoung them had caused the storm, so they were all praying to see which god would find mercy on them and relieve the storm. The crew finally cast lots of chance to see who was at fault for the storm - and the lots happened to fall on Jonah. He confessed that it was probably him, as he was on the run from God for a job that he had been called to do, but refused.

The fact that his God could pronounce such command over the seas for one man's guilt caused fright among the men. At first, the crew rowed desperately to get out of the waves and storm, and once they saw that their own efforts were futile, they prayed blindly to Jonah's God for relief. They saw that they needed to rid the ship of the "sin" in order to find peace - so they case Jonah into the sea. The moment that Jonah's body hit the waters and he began to sink, the sea ceased to rage.

This very miracle, prayed out of blind faith by this crew of sailors, caused them to see the power of God, and they were saved with the Lord's grace. They made their sacrifices to God and made vows to His glory.

Amazing how one man's life (Jonah) had such an impact - and he hadn't even fulfilled God's calling yet. He was in the midst of running from his God and his mission, and just his "running" was used for God's glory. The crew dropped their gods to follow Jonah's, even as Jonah was sinking to his death, or what the crew thought, to the bottom of the sea.

Jonah's path was anointed. He just didn't know it. He thought that once he escaped onto the ship that he could go catch a few hours of sleep, forget about his problem and let it pass, and soon he would be somewhere else, and not have to deal with the calling to Nineveh. Plus, what was he going to say when he got there anyway? "Repent or you'll die." They'd think he was a lunatic, right? So he was safe, and he didn't have to look like a lunatic to the people of Nineveh. But the Lord was determined to use him for His glory, for His purpose, for His mission - to save the people of Nineveh. He didn't follow the path that the Lord had for him immediately, but that didn't mean that the Lord left him at any point in his life or his journey. He was with him throughout, on the ship while he was sleeping, and even when he was swallowed by the fish on the way down to the depths of the sea.....

The casting of Jonah (the "sin") overboard is much like confessing sin in our lives - ridding the guilt and cleansing our souls for mercy from the storms that rage in our worlds. God touched these mens' lives with Jonah's sin. In our weakness, God is strong, and he uses all for His glory. If you notice, Jonah was long gone, overboard, before these men confessed their lives to the Lord. Jonah would never know that they were "saved" because of something that he had done. This is much like how we touch people in our lives .... we may never know how our lives impact those around us.

Chapter 2 next..... this book is intriguing to me.

Soon....

2008-02-18T09:07:00.002-06:00

I apologize I've been lacking in posts in the last few weeks. I've been so out-of-pocket on life lately. So much going on. I'm anxious to get back to writing!!!!! See you all soon. Thanks for checking in!

Defeat

2008-01-31T10:09:00.000-06:00

I'm feeling very defeated today. Mostly defeated as a mom. I can't seem to get my son to be acceptant of new things. Unfortunately he's inherited my father and brother's anxiety of "going new places" or "trying new things."

He's refusing to drink from a sippy cup at 14 months of age. I've tried repeatedly to get him to give it a shot, but he's hooked on his bottle. Advice from some very bitter bitchy moms on babycenter.com chat room say "just don't give him a choice." (What an increase to my feelings of failure as a mom..... that whole chat room experience to seek advice was a nightmare. I was told repeatedly of how he should have been off a bottle 2 months ago and how I'm babying him and that makes me a horrible mom. I mean - what??)

He has never held his own bottle. Well, I take that back - he has ONCE. But he insists that we hold it for him while he drinks. I never fought this because I LOVE sitting down with him at feeding time and snuggling and giving him his bottle. But I've never put his hands on it when he was younger to get him to hold it on his own - I didn't know that I needed to encourage this. So now I have a nightmare on my hands. He will drink from a sippy cup (kind of) but I have to hold it for him. I've tried to put his hands on it while its in his mouth, and done the whole "You're a big boy!" and clap and make big deals - but he gets irrate everytime we work on it. And if I leave him in his chair to play with the bottle and experiment on his own, its not 5 seconds before the bottle is on the floor, or he's turned it upside down and presses the rubber spout all over his tray to make the milk come out everywhere.

RAAAAR! I tried today to just take it away, but my nerves are shot from a bad day with him yesterday. I think I'll wait until my husband can be home with me so we can both enforce the rules. I hope I can count on him to help me..... Lately that's been questionable too. He has so much other stuff to do. This defeat has me feeling so alone in this stupid town. Why can I do this on my own? So many other moms can do it. I think I'll self destruct.

Day 6...

2008-01-30T10:56:00.000-06:00

I know its been a while since I've posted. I've read chapter 6 twice and was stumped on what to write, honestly. The chapter speaks for itself. We are here on this earth on temporary assignment. Makes sense.

Sure it makes sense - but then, there's the pressure of reality, of getting in tune with this "purpose" we all have.

I was hesitant to write much on this chapter because of its obvious nature, but yesterday, something I read in my local newspaper prompted me to think about it in a way that I have in the past, but now with a reminded and refreshed glance.

Over the weekend, our small community lost yet another 17 year old kid to a car accident. He was a prominent figure in his school and community, and always wore an enormous smile on his face, exuding the essence of human acceptance and love, according the people who commented in the newspaper. My babysitter knew him well, and I asked her about him yesterday when she came over to watch my son for a few hours. She said the exact same thing as the folks in the paper.

What I am reminded of here is how often we lose people "too early" in their lives. Even with the recent loss of celebrity, Heath Ledger, its apparent that whether young or old, we will be called to go home with our Father when He is ready to bring us home.

My freshman and sophomore years in college called for a harsh reality with loss. I lost 2 dear friends (ages 18 and 19) in the winter storm storm 24 car pile up in Kansas City in 2000.

A few months later, lost 3 more friends to a drunk driving accident (ages 20, 20 and 21).

A year later, I lost another close friend to a car accident (and almost lost 2 other very close friends in the process) due to poorly marked roads. He was 21.

Recently, I heard of an ex-boyfriend of mine who was killed in a naval helicopter training exercise off the coast of North Carolina that went wrong. He was only 31.

My dear friend "Bo Nannie" who visits this blog is no stranger to this feeling either, especially in these upcoming months. (Girlfriend, your heart is foremost on my mind!!!!! Lean on me, and lets raise a few glasses in a few weeks! There is reason He needs are closest ones near Him!)

Life is so short. Even when speaking to someone who is 90, they feel as though everything flew by in such a short flicker of time. And this world is truly not our home, but its hard to imagine anything else as home, as this is all we've known - life on this earth. Its difficult to frameset our minds to something greater than what we see in front of us. We have to pray that we can see eternity in the eyes of God.

So life is temporary .... eternal is eternal .... and life is an assignment, a trust, a test. This is heavy weight on little shoulders. The biggest test is to keep our heads in the game, keep our eyes on the prize. I often feel panicked that I'm not going to be around long enough to finish my "job" here on earth. That's so silly because I don't really know what my "job" is, and when the Lord takes me, I will have completed what He's set out for me to do. I know that is a dizzying intellect - but that feeling comes on the strongest when I'm sitting. I can't sit long. I get claustrophobic because I'm not "doing" something. Being a mom has really slowed me down, and that's an adjustment I've had to make. I'm finally coming to grips, and I'm scheduling my day so that I have more time to do things other than "sit around" all day. I've just asked the Lord to help me prioritize my schedule to His schedule. I have to pray this every day...

What are the things that test you the most? What are some things that put a harsh reality on the fact that this is a temporary assignment for you?

Postings...

2008-01-24T11:21:00.000-06:00

Stay tuned....I will be posting soon. I apologize I take so long in between postings. I hate that, but time runs away from me when I only have so many hours to myself in a day. I've read chapter 6 and I'm mulling it over. More to come VERY soon!!!! Thank you for your patience, and your amazing comments! This blog has been an amazing experience, and I'm enjoying growing with you all!

God bless....

Day 5....

2008-01-20T13:17:00.000-06:00

I actually read chapter 5 on Thursday morning, but I've needed a few days to (a) find time to write about it, and (b) gather my thoughts.

Chapter 5 ... visualizing our lives through the eyes of God.

My thoughts may deviate from the point of the chapter, but that's only because of an experience I had on Thursday afternoon that I feel tied into this chapter.

I had a service call appointment scheduled for Thursday afternoon from our home alarm company to come out and enter a code into our system. I thought the "need" for someone to come out to our house was odd because I figured it could be as simple as the customer service rep walking me through entering the code myself over the phone. But they insisted someone come out. Little did I know....sometimes (or always??) the Lord makes appointments for you.

Doorbell rang at 2:30 in the afternoon. Surprised me a little because I was supposed to receive a courtesy call prior to the visit to let me know he was on his way. No call, just a ringing doorbell. No problem. Dogs rushed the door to see who the unexpected visitor was. I yelled through the door, asking who it was. "Stephen with _____ Alarm." I opened the door carefully while the dogs pushed their way to him to sniff him out. THey seemed cautious, but not hostile. Good sign, always.

He came inside and nuzzled the dogs, and said not to worry as he has 6 dogs of his own.

He began calling the alarm company, putting our system on "test" until he completed his work. He dug through his paperwork to find the directions to entering the code. "Hmmm," he said, "I think its as simple as entering a code. I hope this trip wasn't an unnecessary charge to you." I replied "I was wondering if I couldn't have done this over the phone. No big deal if that's all it is."

He was young. Maybe 22 or 23 years old. He stood about 5'10'' and maybe 165 lbs. He had short spiky, but stylish black dyed hair. He was handsome in his own way, and very courteous. He smiled shyly. He almost seemed like a "skater" if I can say that, and make sense. I almost expected him to be in pain that he had to wear coveralls and steel toed boots instead of over-sized t-shirt, shorts and Vans shoes.

As he was finishing up his work, he was filling out some final paperwork for the service, I noticed he had a tattoo on the inside of his left wrist. As he was writing, I reached over and gently pushed back his left coverall sleeve. I didn't know how he would take personal contact, so I was cautious. I said "I love your tattoo. The design is incredible."

At the same time, I extended my left arm, pushed back my sleeve, and turned my wrist up, and displayed my tattoo on the inside of my left wrist of a simple Celtic styled cross. "I have something as well in the same place. What does your tattoo represent? Is it symbolic for your faith? or does it have some other sort of meaning??"

The design was obviously of eastern descent. He extended his right wrist at that time and revealed another tattoo. "This one is a Chinese dragon tattoo for love, and my left wrist is a Japanese dragon tattoo for protection. I once had a ______ (I can't remember the word he used, but it was along the line of a prophet...) that said that I have been under a spirit of protection in my life. I should be dead. I should have died many times." He hesitated a moment and looked at my expression to see if cared for him to go on. "I've fallen off buildings, I've had brain surgery, I've been hit by a truck, I've been in fatal car accidents. For some reason, I have been spared, all my life. I'm still around and I'm not really sure why. I know I have a purpose that's greater than I can ever see, and I'm trying to figure it out."

He spoke shyly, as he wasn't sure what my take would be on his statement. I think he didn't want to come on too strong about his beliefs, but I showed him that I was very interested and acceptant.

I mentioned that I had started reading "Purpose Driven Life" and I asked him if he had ever heard of it, or read it. I grabbed the book and set it down in front of him. "I'm really skeptical of books like these." I said. "I am of Christian faith but I'm careful about the books I read, or even way I approach people on it."

"I believe in Christ too," he said, looking down at his feet, as they shifted uncomfortably, "but I've just lost my faith in people. I don't call myself a Christian. I just can't. My grandfather was a fervent Presbyterian minister in one of the top churches in _______ but I saw him live one life away from the church and his family, and live another life when in front of his wife, kids and congregation. My mother went crazy when I was 9, and my father, who was a traveling musician had to come home off the road and rescue me from her. He took me on the road with him, and I saw a life that I should never have seen. I just lost my faith in people as they lived double lives before my eyes. Many say one thing, and live another. Since those days, I haven't lived the most purest life of my own. I've been down so many dark paths. I've lived through it, and now I'm understanding that because I've been spared, I need to seek the bigger picture and get off this track."

"Well..." I said, looking him in the eye, "so many people like you, Stephen, are not as open to a pure polished Christian faith approach. They feel its untouchable and unaccepting of anything they have ever done or anywhere that they have been. I am a Christian, but I am as they are - repellent of fluff and polish, and I haven't lived a pure life either. I don't like to push my faith on anyone. I'd rather just show people through love, and reality. I think that touches people more than a "going to hell in a hand basket" speech. Stephen, you've been spared. You've been through hell. And you still believe. You have a purpose greater than you know - and maybe its just to smile and say hi to someone walking down the street, or give a crying child a hug, or just open the door for someone who needs help. Maybe your purpose is to just 'be' available for God to use your story for those who hurt like you did. You just never know...but stay open. Keep thinking and praying. Its out there. You are definitely called. There is no doubt about that."

After speaking for a few more minutes, he finished up and left. We had made an interesting connection that neither one of us were expecting. He touched my life, and hopefully I was able to touch his. Sometimes you just never know...... He wasn't really supposed to come to my house that day, but for some reason the alarm company screwed up and he did. And maybe he has a different perspective on things. I know I do.

Its hard to understand how God looks at people, and understand that we should try to look through "God's eyes" as if he is looking from our inside out. His Word teaches us how to love and live and that's how we should learn to use his vision. You just never know who you will touch, and how - and you may never even know that you do it. But you will find out in Heaven....those are the rewards of kindness. The Lord pays attention to each one of us - so why should we neglect to concentrate on the importance of others - for example, God knows all our names, so why shouldn't we try to remember the names of the people that we meet? I know its hard, but all we are called to do is to put effort into it, right? To put love and effort into relationships, whether close or not?

Heading back to the chapter..... it asks how you view your life? What metaphor would best encompass your life? This is cliche, I know, but I see mine as a long journey. Everything is taken into account on a journey - the vehicle, the weather, the stops a long the way, the scenery, the hills, the valleys and rough terrain, the people you meet at the different stops.

I understand what the book speaks about when the Lord is silent. I experienced a rough terrained time period like this about 4 years ago. This was oddest time in my life. I don't remember a more "growing" time in my life than the time that the Lord decided to not say one single word for about a year. I didn't know that He was capable of this. I didn't know that He would ever REALLY be silent, and then next thing I knew I was "alone."

I knew He was there with me though - just watching. During that period of time, I was more keen to His spirit presence than ever, but I also had never had a period of time in my life that I made more mistakes than then. I've never been more numb to my mistakes as well, which is why I think I kept making the same horrible mistakes over and over. But He allowed me to sin. He allowed me to keep going. He was silent through the whole thing. I knew that He was there, watching, crying, praying over me, protecting me - but still He never spoke. I knew that I was going to climb out of the valley eventually with a huge burden of sin on my shoulders, but also with a world of experience that He was going to use later. I emerged, heavy laden and shamed at the end of about a year , and when I climbed out, I was greeted by my best friend who became my husband. He told me that if I hadn't have gone through what I did, I wouldn't have been seasoned enough to be his wife. The timing was impeccable, and we fell in love, knowing all the we had been through as individuals, and our faults brought us together, totally accepting and loving and forgiving of each other's pasts. God used that silent time for me to find my lifelong soul mate and husband. And He's still using my past to reach those like Stephen.

I didn't pass the tests of life during the time in my life. I failed consistently. I gave in always. And I shamed myself countless times. But He still used me. He has purpose to each plan. He already knows what path we choose, even before we knew we had paths to be chosen from. And He uses our mistakes for his eternal purpose. I think that's the amazing part about being a fallible human. I can't go back to change my past, and if I could, I wouldn't. I am now able to see my life through the eyes of God, and He's teaching me new perspectives every day.

Day 4: Forty Days in the Trenches Taking Grenades

2008-01-16T11:42:00.000-06:00

My mind was everywhere today when I read todays chapter on death and thinking eternally.

First of all, the book of Ecclesiaties is one of my all time favorite books in the Bible. ALL TIME. For a believer, its a handbook. For the unbeliever, or the fence rider, its a book that makes you think, and leads you to truth about the true meaning of life here on earth in an "earthly" or "human" sense. Its more human than any other book, in my opinion. There's many books that refer to purpose, but Ecclesiates takes the cake in my opinion.

Anyway, this chapter speaks generally on setting your mind to eternal thinking. IT is important to always think toward eternity with God in heaven.

"How do you imagine heaven," I thought. This has been something on my mind since before I accepted Christ a long long time ago. It still pulls at me to this day.

We are such a vision driven species. We have seen on TV, read in books, heard about near death experiences about the perspective of heaven and its grandeur. The Bible gives us a little taste of it as well. THere is no possible way for us to envision heaven.

I think it is interesting how the Bible refers to the streets of gold and its indescribable beauty. Again, our human attraction to shiny things .... the Lord refers to these attributes in order to peak our interest about the physical riches of His kingdom. But maybe these golden shiny attributes are metaphoric? In a way, I hope so, as we are reminded daily here on earth of how unfulfilling material wealth can be. Or maybe it IS literal. I find that easy to see, yet hard to imagine, if that makes sense.

But the Lord also refers to the extremely eternal aspects of his Heaven - and this is what I feel Heaven's definition would be on earth anyway - is the absence of pain and suffering, and we will be surrounded by loved ones and friends, and we will not want or need for anything. That's heaven to me.

Maybe heaven will be perceived differently by each person?

Imagining heaven is just as crazy as trying to understand God's direction for our lives. We can't perceive His greatness or His possibilities. We can only take in so much at a time. We aren't to know about things until we get there - whether on earth or to Heaven.

Another thing that's hard to do - perceiving when and how we will die. I don't think its death itself that scares me - its when and how. Will I have completed all I need when I pass? Will my family be taken care of? Will my death be tragic or a quiet passing? I can't worry about these things, but its easy to let these things occupy a mind when you see death all around, and we are such "here and now" thinking. The world has our thought processes in such a box these days. its hard to imagine life outside our daily routine. We have our heads down, and we're hustling to make it through the day. Its easy to take our minds off the target of eternal without thinking morbidly instead of joyously. It just takes some readjusting when you find your mind thinking about eternal in black death instead of golden life everlasting.

I hope all this made SOME ounce of sense. I just wrote as I circularly reasoned. ha!

Today's Drive, Classified as Anger

2008-01-14T15:19:00.000-06:00

I know and acknowledge that I'm driven by anger, and injustice.

I just wrote 4 full paragraphs of why this is on my mind today, and what inspired me to write about it so fervently, and then I deleted it. It wasn't right to write it, and post it. It was more of a bitch session than something that could help someone else.

In a nutshell, my husband just made me mad. Really mad. Insulted me. And I'm mad as a raging bull.

When I am driven by anger, I notice how I morph into Stone Cold Steve Austin and, in a tornadic swirl, I develop this anti-world attitude, telling each issue to just kiss my ass - I am woman, and I'm stronger than what just leveled me, and NOBODY has a right to mess with my right to respect, and damn them if I become less-than-a-no-nonsense, soft hearted person again. I began tearing through my physical world around me - picking up toys, doing dishes, folding clothes, making my house spotless, organizing my office, replying to emails I've been putting off, answering the phone in a sterner tone - things of the such. I "clean up" my world, and beat myself up for being any less than perfect, and subconsciously tangle with potential that I deserved to be talked down to, or insulted. This lasts for a few hours, until every muscle in my body loosens up, or I can get my aggression out by exercise (the latter is the best....helps the aggression go away faster).

Does this make sense? Does anyone else do this, or something similar to this? I've always been this way. Always.

I believe they call this the "fight or flight" philosophy.

I don't know what to do about this. My anger gets the best of me. I've never heard myself yell at him like I just did a second ago. Without going into detail, it has been a long time coming. We argue about the same issue about once a week, but my voice keeps getting louder, until today I erupted. For some reason he doesn't hear me. Maybe he did today. We've been "off" lately on communication, so that doesn't help the situation. Just fuels it worse.

I'm going to go clean up my office until I figure out how to handle this a different way......

"Thank you, God. Amen."

2008-01-13T21:38:00.000-06:00

My son ... he is 13 and a half months, and he can say "God" and "Thank you" and "Amen." He hasn't put them all in the same sentence yet, but I hope we can soon. It will be the most precious thing in the world........

Day 3: Forty Days in the Trenches Taking Grenades

2008-01-10T15:19:00.000-06:00

The things that drive a life, a purpose....

Lately, I've struggled with finding what drives me. I'm getting closer, I think, to understanding. Maybe I'm already there. For the last year, almost, the temperature gauge on asking the question of my purpose went from lukewarm to red hot. Becoming a new mom last year, it was obvious that was one of my "new" purposes, next to being a wife, and a manager of our business. Once the business thing started to head south, I became questionable of my whole entire purpose altogether - which leads me to believe I held a lot of stock in my career.

I don't miss the business that we were in. I miss many aspects of it - but the things I miss are things that drive a human ego - such as the relationships with celebrities, going to posh parties, "moving up" the music business ladder (of which women didn't really move up, unless you were almost "too old" and bitter, and well, frankly, "bitchy," but I was determined NOT to be one of those women.). I don't need those things - and frankly, once I had those things, or experienced a little bit, I wanted more. But honestly, I'll say that those things were a lot more fun when I was single too - I'm not single anymore, and I don't really "care" about those things. In my soul, I never really "cared" for them, and I'm glad I'm not around it anymore to create a "care" for it. Its only my ego that misses them. Moving forward...

So our business closed up, and my husband took another job in another state, but only 4 hours from our previous place of residence. So we moved. My son was 7 months old. Husband started his new job, and I was left at the house with my son, and a bunch of boxes to unpack. Once all was unpacked ..... then what? I found myself as a mom - which i was before, of course, but now REALLY a mom (with no day time assistance with the little man), and worst of all - no "job." I was no longer economically making my way in the world and climbing a competitive ladder, and most likely, I would never make an impact in the business world. "Me? Jobless? While my husband has something that gives HIM personal gratification and sense of accomplishment? I need that feeling too, that I'm 'doing' something!" I melted down.

Post partum, I thought. And I think I was right. I sought help, and a mild med to make me functional throughout the day - which I had become nearly disfunctional and unfunctional with my available time to do "something."

All the while I was thinking all of this, I still had it in my heart that "C'mon. You've been in WORSE situations before. More hopeless situations. Darker holes. The Lord has NEVER let you down, and has always proven He has a bigger purpose for you than what you were experiencing at the time, AND what you could EVER dream. Don't sell out to these feelings." The tug was unbelievable, but I just couldn't get right.

I obviously had my sights driven in the wrong areas. I still get pings and stabs of "well.....what are YOUUUU doing? Don't you want to do SOMETHING else other than sit around this house? What will be YOUR contribution to family and life once he goes to school?"

I have dreams. I have things I would like to do. I'm not competitive in a great sense. I am creative though. I've been asking myself "What are my gifts and talents?"

I've had some very rough spots, but I'm finally ok with my current situation with my son. I am his mom, and the more he grows, and the faster he learns, the more I see my role in his development. Before, I felt meaningless in a way. He's almost 14 months and he's a sponge - he's picking up a new word or two every day. Disciplinary action is needed more these days, and he's showing more dependence upon me than ever. His eating habits are changing, and his play intensity is growing. He's never not interactive. We play games, we go for walks, we go to the store (and learn items and colors, and talk to people), we sing, we count, we tickle, we snuggle, we exercise.... he needs me, and I see it.

Anyway - my gifts and talents .... Its hard sometimes to pin down your own, so I asked my husband. These were his answers off the top of his head:

Talents: writing
work ethic
naturally musical
artistic minded
running

Gifts: kindness
love
giving
sincere / unsuperficial

I don't know if he'll mention any others later, but these are what I begin to pray over. I have fear of my talents. I've never believed anyone's opinion of my talents if remarks were positive. I've never wanted to be the fool, believing I had a "talent" that was praised in front of a false smile. When I ask for real honesty regarding some of my talents, I don't get straight answers. Therefore, I fear to step out in boldness to put my talents to good use. For example, I sing. I have since I was a little girl. But I can't get a straight answer out of someone telling me if I'm any good or not. I know that sounds funny.... My feelings wouldn't be hurt because all I care about is "knowing."

My prayer is that I will finally understand my true list of gifts and talents, and that I will recognize what actually drives me - if its good or bad. If its negative, I need to make it right.

Last Year...

2008-01-07T16:14:00.000-06:00

A magnificent "take" on 2007 ....

Day 2: Forty Days in the Trenches Taking Grenades

2008-01-03T12:38:00.000-06:00

Well, obviously I'm not doing this study every day, on the day. I'm skipping a few days in between, simply because I just don't have time every day to sit and do this. I wish I did. And I DO have time to read it, just not always time to write. I may combine days - I dunno.

Chapter 2 - I'm not an accident.

I know. I've never believed that I was an accident, or that I didn't have a purpose on this earth. In fact, I've always known that I've had a great purpose. I've never known what the purpose was - nor will I really ever "know" I don't think. But that's not for me to know......

Feeling Human Again

2008-01-03T10:50:00.000-06:00

I apologize for disappearing for a few days. After Christmas, my family and I have struggled to fight off colds and flu, and in the last few days, my cold has knocked me straight on my rear end. Last night was the worst. I hardly slept at all with loads of congestion in my head. I had to take 2 sudafeds to feel somewhat better - but even at that, it dried up everything BUT my nose and sinuses. I woke this morning feeling like hell, and wondering if I should even come within feet of my son, but my husband had more to do today that most days, so I had to suck it up. I convinced him to visit the drug store for some DayQuil for me before he went to work. He's a wonder - he did THAT, as well as fed the little man AND bought me breakfast.

I can tell you that DayQuil is my new friend. NyQuil will be my friend tonight. I'm feeling somewhat human again after taking DQ. I was at least able to wash my face and put make up on. I haven't done that for days now, nor have I left the house. I haven't really wanted to, honestly, just feeling so crappy.

Anyway, I think I'm "back." I finished the Secret Life of Bees the other night. Great story. I loved it. I've skimmed Chapter 2 of Purpose Driven Life. I need to go back over it - but honestly I don't think I have much to say about it, so I may combine chapter 2 and 3 in my next post. I will as soon as possible. I'm still not 100% yet, so it may take me another few days to get back on track.

Houses as reflections of soul

2007-12-29T00:52:00.001-06:00

I'm up late tonight laying in bed, and I just remembered a dream that I had last night.

The dream was concerning a house that I used to live next door to in my old hometown that is 10 hours away from where I live now. This house was an old stucco styled, two-story home. When we moved in next door into the house that we built, there was a lady named Mary who passed away about 5 years later, and I was 10 or so. Several families have come and gone, different owners have occupied the home, but its always seemed to be "old." In fact, my mom and dad lived there when my brother was born, before they moved to town about a year before I was born.

Anyway, in this dream, it was snowing, heavily. I was going out to my mailbox to put Christmas gifts inside. I had a whole sled full of packages and the snow was blowing so hard. I made it to the end of my driveway with the packages, and I noticed a young woman walking over to me from the stucco home. It was probably around 7 o'clock in the evening and the moon was out and full (odd, because it was in the middle of a snow storm). She came over and invited me to come to the house to meet her mother and sister, of whom she lived with, and also to see how it looked inside, as the previous owner had done some spectacular renovations. I agreed and followed her over.

We walked inside and the home was a mansion, unlike what I've ever known the home to be - which was small, old, nearly dangerous to be inside with old paint and gas heating. There were rooms I had never known to exist inside, as well as a completely redone kitchen. There were now 3 stories, instead of two. It literally resembled that of a Aspen Colorado cabin of grandeur.

I met the young ladies mother and sister. They lived there together. I don't remember their names, but I do remember that they were beautiful. They didn't resemble each other at all, seemingly.

They took me on a tour of the home. More changes before my eyes. A grand atrium in the middle of the home that all the rooms surrounded. Everything was a deep rich pine wood from the floor, to the walls, to the support posts, to the ceiling. It was a decorative wood style as well - slats of wood placed strategically in perfectly symmetrical patterns and shapes. Past the 3rd floor was an attic that the women raved about. It was only half finished, but they didn't seem to mind - but they went on and on about the treasures that they were finding between the cracks of wood floor paneling in the attic - things that were from a different era of time, which gave them an adventuristic desire to learn about who had lived in the house in the past. They led me up to the attic, and I was surprised to see that this is where the renovations had abruptly stopped. It looked as though they started to refinish the attic area, but then were interrupted. Half way up the stairs, the wood slat-work stopped, and the drywall began, and the stairs were all of a sudden old again and creaky, old planks that felt as though they could give out at any moment. The attic smelled of old must, and I could see partially planked walk areas, lit only by the reflection of the light from below off the ceiling of the attic. The attic only went as far back as I would imagine the "normal size" of the house to be, not this "new" size that the house seemed to have grown into.

I ran my fingers through the cracks of the wooden planks where I traced gaps and holes with my tips. I found a few little pieces of paper that had my mother's aunt's name on them. This confused me, as my mom's aunt had never lived in this house before. Confused, I turned and asked the mother how much she bought the house for. She replied "Only $147,000. It was an absolute STEAL."

We climbed back down from the attic, and went all the way back to the kitchen on the main floor, and chatted around the huge marble island . We discussed the previous owner and what he looked like (tall, with a full head of dark hair and a dark mustache - a very pronounced looking man in his late 40's or early 50's).

Then my dream was over.

I'm not sure what this dream means.

The night before I had a dream about jumping in the "S" river that is just down the hill from my home 10 hours away from here. I don't remember WHY I jumped in - I think I was running from someone. I jumped into a canoe, but the dam didn't exist in my dream, and the water was flowing the opposite way than normal. I floated past a few other boats of fishermen, or people of "interesting" nature (meaning I didnt' quite catch what they were doing, who they were, or why they were there), and also people on shabby man made rafts put together out of tree trunks. I also passed some cows wading in the river as well. I remember thinking that it must be a season of drought because otherwise the cows would be swept away in an instant. Before I reached the 1st bridge, I knew that I needed to jump out of my canoe and swim ashore because after the second bridge, there would be no hope for me to be able to swim ashore as the current would increase dramatically, and there would be no shore to grab onto. Then the dream ended.

- - - - - - - - - -

Last night's dream - I'm too tired now to try to analize, but I'm up writing about it because (1) I didn't want to forget it, and (2) I've really been thinking about houses a lot lately. I know that sounds really funny. Not thinking about houses in the sense that I want to purchase one (although that topic will be coming up sooner than later in my life in the next few months), but more or less about the "life" with in a house - the physical structure of a house.

Have you ever noticed how a house has life only when life is within? If the life within moves out, the house is empty in more ways than just physically being empty. And also, it doesnt' really even matter if someone moves out - it can be if a person goes away for 6 months or any period of time, and there is someone to keep the grounds, the house seems to slump in dismay.

I've noticed this before over the course of time, but I really started to think about it over Christmas when I went running past a house that we were going to purchase in my husband's hometown a few months back before the Lord took us to a different town. The house hadn't been lived in for a few months yet it was dark and dismay and simply empty. No life whatsoever. Since we've moved to our current place, with in the last 6 months, a new family has purchased the home, and when I ran by, I noticed that not one physical thing had changed about the house, except for it had a glow about it. Even the roof line seemed to not slump any longer. There was life and light and joy exuding from the windows. It was the oddest thing. Could it be possible that homes have "souls" as well? Or are they just metaphors of our souls when we have life and light and joy within? Maybe both? I don't know...... Thoughts?

I suppose I should go to bed now and let these crazy thoughts subside. I'm sure I'll have more dreams to discuss soon.....

Day 1: forty days in the trenches taking grenades....

2007-12-28T11:05:00.000-06:00

The first thing I do when I begin a new book is remove the dust jacket. It simply gets in the way, and I will ruin it before I get to chapter 2, so off it goes.....

The Purpose Driven Life, by Rick Warren: my new adventure in reading. The Secret Life of Bees is still in my reading agenda, as I'm 100 pages out from finishing, but I need to start this new one. I'm still not sold on it, but I'm open minded.

The reason why I'm not in.... I already have a purpose-driven life. My heart is in the right place. I feel that I have a deeper calling to my purpose that I'm saddened to not understand, and I'm frustrated to not see. Such is life, though. I've never been able to see my "purpose" until later, but that's how I've always liked to live my life. I've never wanted to state a claim to future goals and ambitions. I've always wanted to live my life by going into each day with a new beginning, and then turning around at the end of a period of time, or a chapter in life, and observing the path I had just came down. That has been fulfillment to me; that has been what has excited me about life and kept me charged for the next chapter.

But anymore, I find it hard to do. Maybe its because I'm married now; maybe because I'm a mother. I tend to find myself hoping for more predicatability and structure, so as to not inconvenience my child or husband. I know that sounds wierd as they are in this journey with me, and we are on a journey together. As a single person, I wasn't too concerned with where I was going personally because I didn't have any "baggage" (not spoken negatively....only spoken in the terms that I wouldn't inconvenience those on the journey with me). I could go and go and go, and wherever I would end up, that's where I was - good or bad. Now, if bad, that's where I have my child and husband. Its a weird twist. Being new in marriage (almost 3 years) and wanting so badly for it to work forever, I haven't exactly grasped the concept of "togetherness" in its full capacity. I still feel alone, most of the time, on my journey and tend to take for granted that I have a partner in life. I know thats a dizzying intellect, but you'll find that my logic goes in circles sometimes. Just trying to type as I think.... I figure out my theories that way.

I've never felt like my life was my own. That's not negative - its simply truth. I've always believe that my purpose in life was for whatever the Lord has for me. I am His to use, period. Lately, I have struggled with that theory. I still believe it, but my mind and flesh keep tugging at my heart, telling me that my own personal "need" for self-accomplishment is the key to my happiness and fulfillment. Not so, says my heart, but my mind is taking over. This has been the source of my depression for quite a few months. Now that I have a baby, and my time is now diverted to his needs everyday, I have anxiety about the things that I SHOULD be doing instead - and I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'm doing what I SHOULD be doing NOW - not what anyone else, or even my mind says that I SHOULD be doing. I'm doing what the Lord has me doing - and that is preparing my son's life for greatness in the Lord. I'm his mother, and there's no other job more noble or fulfilling. Everyday I get a little closer to realization.

So on to the introduction to the first chapter. I'm very impressed with the verse used to introduce the chapter:

Jeremiah 17:7 -8: "Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, and whose trust is the Lord. For he is like a tree that is planted by the water, That extends its roots by a stream and will not fear when the heat comes; but its leaves will be green and it will not be anxious in a year of drought, nor cease to yield fruit."

THIS VERSE is going to go on an index card and taped to my bathroom mirror.

The very first page of the first chapter shares the same views as I have - my life is not my own, and I exist only because its God's will that I exist, and He is my creator.

Interesting .... Warren refers to "self help" books as leading to dead ends. Thank GOD my theory was thwarted there about THIS book. I was under the impression that this was one of THOSE books. He happens to hate those books too. (GOOD BYE to books like "The Secret." BAH!) The focus on "self" is actually the single downfall of man - Adam and Eve believed that they could be their own gods, and focused on saving themselves, and ate the apple. The serpent gave them them "self help" advice. "Eat the apple, and you will be like God." They successfully ate the apple, but then missed the point. They were miserable, and soon were humbled by their focus on self, and ashamed, and therefore began the spiraled downfall of mankind - the focus on "self-fulfillment" and such. Self centered does not constitute a God-centered life, unless YOU are God, and YOU (and I) are (am) not.

Warren mentions that there are 2 ways to discovering God's purpose for your life: SPECULATION and REVELATION.

Speculation is merely guessing. Obviously.

Revelation is asking God to reveal.

God doesn't always reveal in the ways that we feel he should, right? He doesn't just shout it to us, or whisper in our ear what our next move should be. This frustrates us in our day of instant communication. Patience and being still and listening is NOT a waste of our time. I have the hardest time with patience - but this is something I need to realize is part of my purpose. My every move should be based on what God wants me to do, and that I need to take the time to listen to his "voice" in whatever form it may be.

I think the thing that is hardest for us, as human beings, as creatures of GOd, to understand and grasp, is that our purpose is for a far bigger plan than we can ever understand, and than we will ever have the opportunity on this earth to see. We have a selfish desire to "want to know, and know now" what our purpose is, and how we fit the mix, that we often get discouraged, and resort to the self-fulfillment philosophies of life because they are the instant gratifications and immediate happiness, and fill us with pride for our accomplishments. Its time to get over that. And I'm going to work on this.

My Child

2007-12-26T15:58:00.001-06:00

I didn't realize it fully until today - I have a gifted child. I'm not talking about "gifted" in the terms of "needy" or "slower" and such.... I'm talking truly gifted. He's now almost 13 months old, and even before he was one, he was showing signs of extraordinary intelligence.

I'm not sure all that I'm in for, here. I think I'm in for a lot. He's an angel. I don't say that lightly. He really is.

He does all the things that a normal 12-18 month old child does - crawls, walks, plays, etc. But there is just something so charismatic about his personality. Something so intriguing.

He is working hard on learning words. You can tell his little brain wheels are turning constantly trying to latch on to every word that we say. Here are the words he is already saying quite clearly:

God
thank you
cracker
ribbit
duck
quack
ru-ru (for our dog)
night night
light
bye bye
hey / hello / hi
apple
Elmo
Dad
Mama
Mae Mae
whoo-whoo! (for Thomas the Train...and he even makes the chugga-chugga-chugga sounds that engines make)

When he says "God" he is usually grasping my or Mae Mae's necklace (my necklace has a cross, and Mae Mae's has Jesus and Saint Mary) and he holds the necklace up to our lips and has us kiss the pendant. Then he brings the pendant to his mouth and puts inside his mouth ever so slightly as to "kiss" the pendant himself (he doesn't know how to "kiss" yet).

He has NEVER met a stranger. Today we were in the grocery store, and he spoke to every person we came in contact with, and even those we didn't - people who were behind the pharmacy counter 20 feet away, as well as people in the meat department on the other side of the store. He was waving and smiling and joking and laughing, playing peek-a-boo with children.

He doesn't see color in skin. He is in love with every person he meets. He doesn't care if you don't smile back, or respond. he keeps trying to get your attention, just speaking a little louder. Its a game to him.

He expresses true pure joy. He has nothing that stands in the way of his smile. No prejudice, no hidden agendas, no fake grins, no hiding his true feelings. He is just joy in purity.

His charisma.....its captivating. He lites up everything around him.

He entertains people in church. He brings joy to everyone.

I've been called to be the mother of this miracle child. I hope and pray that i can help raise him in this world full of hate and despair to be a man of joy and kindness, peace, patience and goodness. My purpose may be to simply be a mother of love to raise this young man to make a large impact on the world. I've always known that my life will affect many - either directly, or indirectly - and I've already experienced many direct hits. Now the Lord will use me through my son to affect many on a different level. More to come on this.....

This town

2007-12-20T16:37:00.000-06:00

I received an email from my friend "G" today. She finally made the move. She has escaped a world of hurt and moved on to a different life in New York City. I knew she would do it - it was just a matter of time. I've very happy for her. She just went through a nasty, unexpected divorce - to ugly to detail. Good luck, my friend. I will miss you, as I always do, and yes, I will look you up when I get to NY...someday, when I can get there.

I'm fighting today. Fighting a lot of things. Its a bit of a quiet riot, but its still burning. I'm fighting mostly the feeling of running and going no where. I'm fighting not understanding my purpose. I am about to start that book but I'm dreading it. I feel as though I know what its going to say. And I feel that I've already struggled through what it will say. I think I've already been there. I don't want to write the story before I read it, so I will read it, I guess. I know - it sounds like someone has my feet to the fire to read it. No one does, but myself. I'm going to give it a chance. I hope I don't roll my eyes with every chapter.

Very lonely these days. This little town is swallowing me up a little bit. Its nice at times, but there are things about that it lacks. There are no sidewalks. I think that is a symbol of the town. There is no place to run or exercise. Plus, when can I? I can't, unless its at 5 am when my husband is home with my son. But then, its still dark out,so what's the difference between running at 5am, and 7pm when he gets home from work? Nothing. I get the same old comment "Its dark -someone will hit you, or kidnap you." I understand the fear, but ..... you know. We have an elliptical machine, but damn it if I'll use it. Its enclosed in 4 walls - the point is to get OUT.

I walked into a store today to look around. There was a lady behind the counter who goes to my church. Also behind the counter were 3 highschool girls, talking madly about "E", the girl that babysits for me. It was apparent that they were incredibly jealous of her, and hated her. She is very beautiful, yes, and a cheerleader, and has a great family and boy friend - but man, to hear them cackle with their nasal voices with their noses crinkled up made me remember my own high school days, and how I am so grateful to not be in those days again. When we left, we hit up another store just down the road. Same thing happened - only they were discussing some other girl-of-envy.

I've never had time for that. I still don't have time for that. The women that I've met here - that's all they do - cackle and snidely remark about each other's looks, possessions and accomplishments. I'm limited on my company here. In my previous place of living, I could just ease out of those destructive relationships as easy as I slipped in - and now, I'm stuck. Its only going to get worse as my son gets into school.

I will survive here. I know it. WE will survive here. And if the Lord has us moving - so be it. Staying - so be it, too. Whichever....we'll make it. I just hope I can adjust to these things, or learn to deal - maybe thats the same thing.

Amateur photography

2007-12-19T16:50:00.001-06:00

I took my title photo last night while taking different texture photos last night. I went crazy with my little Sony digital camera that is next to a piece of junk when it comes to professional photography. In between taking photos of my son, I was snapping photos of textures of wood from our liquor cabinet and from the wood pile outside. I took a photo of a pillow on our couch, and even the denim pattern on my blue jeans, and fake grass in my fake tree, and that pattern on the Christmas stocking that hangs on my mantle. All in black and white. I adore black and white. So much depth.

I would love to learn more about photography. Its can be an expensive hobby, and "expensive" isn't really the lifestyle we have. I think my Sony will do for now.

Reading, Dancing and the Longing for Independence

2007-12-19T12:45:00.000-06:00

I spent the morning reading, after my son finally went down for a nap. I'm reading "The Secret Life of Bees" by Sue Monk Kidd. This book is simply incredible - the writing style of Ms Kidd is amazing. I can imagine each line as though I am the 14 year old girl named Lily in South Carolinawho longs for her mother, hates her father, has run away from home with her house keeper in 1964, and finds refuge with 3 sisters who make their living as beekeepers during the civil rights era.

Christmas is almost upon me. I'm not spending it with my family, but with my husband's. I'm fine with that, as I love my in laws dearly. They are just like my own blood family, and I see them more than my own. THey have accepted me in as one of their own, and for that I am grateful.

Sometimes I wish that I could just hop a plane to NYC - by myself - and just wander the streets in my long pea coat, a stocking cap, and gloves, with a warm cup of coffee warming my hands as I wrap my interlaced fingers around the base of the cup. (Not that I don't want the company of my son and husband - as I would rather go nowhere with him, than anywhere alone ... he's the best - but sometimes being alone for a few moments helps you grow when you're together.) I would watch people, look in windows, stop in a random bar for a drink at night, talk to strangers, make a new friend, hail a cab, walk through a gallery, find a corner bar with music, watch children as they beam at a Santa Claus or skip into a toy store. I just want to have some alone time, away from what's norm, and regroup. I feel like I haven't had anything "new" in a while, if that makes sense. (That sounds so crazy actually as we just moved 6 months ago, but being enclosed in the same 4 walls for more than a few days can really pull at your skin.) I also long to feel a sense of independence again - to know that I can do things without someone holding my hand. Being married is great - and I get mad at myself a lot when I say the word "I" more than I say "we." My marriage is great, my husband is an angel of God, and I'm not for one second ungrateful. Before I was married, I did everything on my own - even lived by myself (until I got my dog). I love being married, and I love my child - I just need to be reminded that I still have the strength to do things alone. I need some independence every now and again. I rely on my husband more than I want to to handle certain things that I was forced to do alone at one time. I need that strength back.

I don't think that last paragraph quite came out right. I know what I'm trying to say - I just can't put it into words.

I'm about to start a book that I have avoided at all costs. "A Purpose Driven Life" has been one of those books that I have counted as "cheesy Christian." My faith as a Christian is a strong one - but I vomit at the thought of cheesy "self help" Christian books that defeat the purpose of trusting God. But I've caved in to read this book after a dear friend sent it to me and said that this book really helped her. I think I'll give it a shot. Its a 30 day study - each chapter designated to a day of study. I will write about it here, and probably call it "Forty Days in the Trenches Taking Grenades." Ha! That's just about how I've been feeling lately, and every time I go to battle with God over things, I always come out a new person, as anyone does. Lately, I haven't felt like change has been on the list of things to happen, but then again - I am not God. So here goes - I start in a few days.

Flamenco dancing has been on my mind lately. I want to learn so badly. I think I would be good at it. I've started researching it, and I've found an instructor 45 minutes away.

I know these thoughts are random. It will always be like this. :) That's the way my brain works.

Time to go feed the Elmo-slippered little boy I just put in a high chair that has an animal cracker mustache. He's so damn cute....

Mourning

2007-12-17T12:21:00.000-06:00

I don't claim to know how to "write." I just write. Millions of people write. Twice as many don't, I suppose. I just write as I think. Sometimes my thoughts are linear - sometimes circular - sometimes with no direction at all.

I've been observing people with children a lot lately, especially now that I'm a new mom of one year. My observation has been interesting. No one really gives the secret away that you lose a lot of yourself when you have a child, or children. That's not necessarily a "bad" thing - just a harsh realization, and a sudden death, and before you know it, you're in mourning. I believe this happens more for women, than it does for men. You find yourself suddenly on a road your didn't think you were taking, even when you did know and decide to have children. You once had a different outlook, and didn't realize the hills and sharp curves and blind corners, and confusing intersections you would come across.

I am not regretful in my decision to have children. But I'm coping with much loss. I'm mourning who I used to be, and what I was supposed to be in my own mind, as well as what I don't live up to everyday. I know in my heart, I have bigger better things - and I shouldn't doubt the plan that the Lord has - but I'm just in mourning right now.